UnNews:Aboriginals are "not safe to eat", says Australian Coroner

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14 June 2009

Aboriginal Kid

I could just gobble him up! Wait... I can't? :(

SYDNEY, Australia An Australian Coroner today spoke out about the dangers of eating people, specifically Aboriginals. The press conference he held came about after he had completed a series of autopsies on two men and three women who had died shortly after returning from a Walkabout, a vigorous hike and camping trip normally based in the wastelands of Australia. During these Walkabouts the participants are taught how to use makeshift weapons and other tools to fend for themselves and to trap and kill animals for food.

On their penultimate evening the two men had gone out to hunt food to feed everyone, including their instructor who had developed a fever and was unable to accompany them, looking out for Duckbill Platypus or Koala Bears in particular. The three women were surprised when the men returned with a human wrapped around a bamboo stick, mostly because they didn't realise that bamboo could survive in the outback. Terri Irwin, the wife of the late explorer Steve Irwin, gave her opinion on what may have happened, "Well you see guys, Koala Bears happen to be a delicacy among the Aboriginal Tribes and the people within the tribes can get quite possessive of these animals if they encounter another predator who they see as a threat," Irwin, who specialised in The Eating Habits of Aboriginal Tribes at University believes that a fight may have ensued between the two men and one or more Aboriginals, "Being present at the autopsy, the cuts and bruises on the skin of the two gentleman suggest that a fight took place between them and an Aboriginal with it resulting in the death of the latter. At this point I can only assume the Koala Bears must have scattered in fear and so the men were left with the body and obviously thinking, 'Waste not, want not' they took it back to camp with the idea of eating it."

Alistair Hope, the Coroner, confirmed the presence of certain toxins in the bloodstreams of the four participants, and their female guide, which undoubtedly lead to their demise. "I believe the toxins I found are some sort of mechanism to warn against eating further Aboriginals, of course if the people had simply eaten a little of the meat they would most probably be alive and have a nasty stomach ache, however because they were obviously starving and dehydrated, due to their exhausting trip, they ate the entire body before burying the bones." It is unsure whether non Aboriginal people have the same mechanism and whether or not it is something that has developed as part of evolution or something which has come about as a result of the food and liquids that the Aboriginals themselves consume.

This eating of a whole Aboriginal is the first of it's kind, however in previous years people have been found dead next to bodies of Aboriginal people after drinking their blood -a hallucinogenic- which too contains toxins which can be fatal when consumed in large doses. The Coroner expressed his deep feelings of anxiety when it came to cannibalism, "I don't know how hard I need to stress that Aboriginals are not safe to eat or to draw fluid from. Each person has their own individual limit when it comes to toxins and it is not a good idea to try and test how far you can go."

It is thought that tests on the Maori of New Zealand and some Native American tribes are to be carried out to see if these toxins, or similar defensive poisons are present in their bloodstream too. As it is widely thought that the rest of us humans have stopped evolving, it is possible that such a thing does not exist in our bodies.

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