UnNews:A Vampire Version of "Gone With The Wind" Gets the Go Ahead
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
16 November 2009
Based on the 1936 novel by Margaret Mitchell, the film centers around Scarlet O'Hara (Vivian Leigh) and Rhett Butler (Clark Gable) during the American Civil War. But how will vampires play into the new story? "Obviously, we can’t tell you that," says Harvey Weinstein. "The script isn’t written yet, but it will be penned by newcomer Stefan Moyer."
As for the director, Bob Weinstein let it slip that, "We are still looking for a director, preferably somebody who has made a vampire movie."
Some of their wish list directors include Joel Schumacher (Lost Boys), PJ Pesce (Lost Boys 2), Wes Craven (Vampire in Brooklyn, Dracula 2000), William Crane (Blacula), Patrick Lussier (Dracula 2000, Halloween 3D), Mel Brooks (Dracula: Dead and Loving It), John Carpenter (John Carpenter’s Vampires), Tommy Lee Wallace (John Carpenter Presents Vampires: Los Muertos), and "the guy who directed that John C. Reilly vampire movie that nobody saw."
Also, since the entire 1939 cast is dead -- much like the Weinsteins’ careers as of late -- each role will be recast, much to fan outrage. "We don't want Clark Gables," says Harvey Weinstein, "We want George Clooneys, we want Matt Damons, Ben Afflecks, Leos, Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise, we want someone like J Lo to play Scarlet. We need somebody who looks like the offspring of Clark Gable and Robert Pattinson."
The Weinsteins are desperate for money, and they have every reason to be. The Rob Zombie-directed Halloween II failed miserably at the box office, with a total gross to date of $37,541,391 ($33,268,563 domestic; $4,272,828 overseas), a far cry from the $58 million gross of its predecessor. It was savaged by fans, critics, and the general public alike, most notably for the wrongful replacement of Daeg Faerch with Chase Wright "Wrong" Vanek, and the fact that the Halloween Theme wasn't played until the end of the movie.
The Weinsteins’ successes have been few and far between ever since they left Miramax and Disney in 2005. Only a select few films have been hits to varying degrees -- 1408, Mr. Brooks, 30 Days of Night, Halloween (2007), TMNT, The Myst, and Inglourious Basterds. Other films have flopped miserably -- The Nanny Diaries, Pull My Finger, Who's Your Caddy?, Give the Weinsteins Your Money, Hellraiser 15, Doctor Jekyll and Mister Winkler the Gay, Chihuahuas on a Bicycle, The Crow 5, and Children of the Corn XXXV, and Grindhouse, to name a very few.
"We are, we’re desperate as hell," says Harvey. "We haven’t had a whole lot of success lately, unless Quentin Tarantino is making fun of Hitler and Jews. We want to cash in on the 3D craze with Halloween 3D. We want to cash in on the whole vampire craze. Also, Gone with the Wind is one of our favorite intellectual propetries of all time that wasn’t raped by a Rob Zombie sequel to his own masterpiece remake."
Do the brothers fear that the film will butcher the original? "We’ve butchered enough beloved properties for one day.," says Bob. "It can only go up from here, we hope. Damn you, Rob Zombie!"
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|