UnNews:9/11 reminiscent of that other time when stuff happened
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9/11 reminiscent of that other time when stuff happened
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, June 27, 2016, 18:52:UTC)(
11 September 2006
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NEW YORK, New York -- On the fifth anniversary of the tragic destruction of the World Trade Center, we are reminded by countless media sources that this was just like that other thing. Exactly which other thing is the subject of much debate with some sources citing Pearl Harbor and others reminding us of the terrible attacks the terrorist organization Vesuvius unleased upon Pompeii. A History Channel representative supports his own interpretation:
|“||It is clear that the events at Pompeii nearly two thousand years ago directly parallel our own 9/11, despite having nothing in common whatsoever, because although cultures may vary across time, we are all people, and the indomitability of the human spirit shall never go unresolved, heretofore to be forever remembered in this memorial heroism, which we see evidence of even in the hearts and minds of those who after today shall stand as icons of bravery, both in Pompeii and New York, while we as rememberers meantime will remember them in the continuation of...||”|
He continued for another forty minutes, closing with "at least we didn't turn this into a WWII documentary like we've done with everything else for the past 61 years." Viewers were impressed.
Fortunately, UnNews can settle the debate once and for all. The historical event that 9/11 is most like, and indeed the only one that has not yet been used, is the time last Thursday when a senior writer dropped his sandwich. An eyewitness comments:
|“||It was truly unbelievable. As I watched the steak sub's slow fall to the floor, tumbling end over end, I recognized a growing expression of shock and disbelief on all my coworkers faces. The sandwich crumbled and scattered across the floor, leaving us with an unshakable feeling of despair, but then Daniel started to pick it up! He put the sandwich back together, picked it up, and took a big bite! His refusal to be crushed in the face of certain defeat was an inspiration to us all. He gave us hope and made us proud to work for UnNews. Daniel is truly our break room hero, and his sandwich shall not be forgotten.||”|
UnNews had previously considered comparing 9/11 to the Irish Potato Famine or maybe the Cuban Revolution, but decided that this had almost certainly been done already, and acknowledges that commemorating a steak sub, delicious as it may be, is a paltry last resort. Sources in the mainstream media, however, call the sandwich story "uplifting" and "a ray of hope in troubled times," and have already begun comparing it to other historical disasters.
Recognizing the lack of an official holiday to commemorate 9/11, members of Congress have begun consideration of a bill to change the observance date of Bring a Terrorist to Work Day. The initial approval committee approved resoundingly, and a final vote is expected to take place next week.