UnNews:9/11 personal recollections

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
This article is part of UnNews UnNews Logo Potato1 UnFair and UnBalanced

11 September 2009

Wtc

"I didn't mind the endless posing for those schmaltzy pics, though I am actually a servant of Allah...but that onion they rubbed in my eye pissed me off, and they never did give me as much mackeral as they promised!" - Eddie Eagle, remembering 9/11.

Yourtown, USA - As a nation mourns, we bring you this collection of personal reflections from coast to coast, on the anniversary of the day that changed our lives forever...

"As I wake up on this crisp September morning, I pause in sad acknowledgement of America's day of mourning, a day forever etched in our minds and souls. How poignantly bittersweet it is to look at my wife and think, 'there but for the grace of our merciful God was her'. I realize in humble gratitude that had I been a New York stock broker instead of a Midwest store manager, that it could have been her that got those notices of the deaths..." - Ernie Banks, Pekin, Illinois

"As I fix breakfast for the loser I'm stuck with, I see he's getting all weepy over the inevitable 9/11 headline - you know, the one they run every year. If only he'd been in New York that day, I hear those widows made some fat cash off all that." - Janet Banks, Pekin, Illinois

"Dear God, on this solemn anniversary of 9/11, if you could see fit to arrange another, so that I might more effectively lead and unite my people - er, America - in it's new hour of need I would greatly appreciate it." - America's Mayor Rudy "9/11" Giuliani, NYC, New York

"Amen to that, we could use another year like that one." - Anonymous Red Cross fundraiser, Salem, Oregon

"I remember that sad day. I never did learn whether the little train that could, actually could. Why couldn't they have waited till after story hour was done before dragging me out of there to hide? Not like Dick hadn't already prepared." - George W. Bush, Texas

"Each 9/11, we give thanks to Dick Cheney for his timely assistance in getting us all safely out of NYC." - The Bin Laden family, Saudi Arabia

"I remember that fateful day. I had had a premonition that morning, and just felt that we were in for a big change. Like a real feeling of dread, like something bad was going to happen. I almost called the police department, but my boyfriend told me not to, as I had a homeless guy stuck in my car's windshield who hadn't died yet." - Chante Mallard, Providence, Rhode Island

"I was there, and remember the gallant men and women of the NYPD and NYFD who acted so valiantly. Without them, I don't know how we would have dealt with the choking clouds of debris. I remember - since I was there - that I looked up, and there on a pile of rubble, dirty and grimy, were seventeen police and firepersons, of every gender and ethnicity in America, all simultaneously hoisting up an American flag while singing the national anthem in perfect harmony, one hand over each of their hearts, the other hand giving milk to orphaned babies, the third hand writing a letter demanding a pay raise...I've never felt so proud to be an American. Did I mention I was there?" - Frannie Goldsmith, Oqunquit, Maine

"I think we should have an amendment to the Constitution making it a crime not to remember 9/11. I am shocked at how many seem to have forgot lately." President Thorstein Veblen, Amalgamated Bumpersticker, Ribbon Magnet and Flag Company, Trenton, New Jersey

"I had a friend who's cousin's neighbor was almost at GROUND ZERO that day. But on his way to work, he saw a homeless man, and while he'd never given him any change before, this time he did. FIVE DOLLARS even. And the homeless man thanked him, and told him that now he had enough to get a cab to the HOSPITAL where his dying mom was. After they were through talking, he realized he was LATE FOR WORK, but that's when the planes crashed into the buildings. That HOMELESS guy had saved his life. But when he looked around just ONE SECOND LATER, the homeless guy was gone, completely gone, like maybe it had been an angel who had saved him. My friend emailed me about this, and if you email it to ten other people, you will be BLESSED!" - Brigham Jones, Ogden, Utah

"The best way to remember 9/11 is for us to all work together to solve this health care crisis. That's why need YOUR support this year. Sending a donation to the Democratic Party National Coalition helps make sure that those who did survive will NEVER be turned away from hospitals again! Don't let the conservat - er, terrorists - win!" - Hillary Clinton, Washington, D.C.

"I like to remember 9/11 with a commemorative quarter, with a sticker on the back saying 'Remember 9/11'. And for only three easy payments of $19.99, I will send you that genuine U.S. Quarter that says just that! Call now, supplies are limited, only ten to a customer!" - Montel Williams, Chicago, Illinois

"I think we should like all never forget, and remember that we all live in this world, and that it should be, like, a good world, for all of us, as we all have to live in it, and such things should, like, bring us closer and not have us be divided any more." - Spokesperson for the Union of Grade B Actresses, Second Tier Celebrities, One Hit Wonders, Former Child Stars, Has Beens and Wannabees (NAMBLA), Hollywood, California

"Like, what they said, but I think that all the other worlds should be united and stuff, especially the world where the Arabs are, and probably where the Chinamen are, too." - Miss South Carolina

"I think that if we don't want another 9/11, we should, like, have strong leadership that won't back down under pressure, as that's like the real ticket to not having another 9/11. You betcha." - Sarah Palin, within view of Russia

edit Sources

edit See Also

Personal tools
projects