UnNews:64% of U.S. Budget Goes Towards MMORPG Industry

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29 November 2011

Barack Obama announced today in an economic address after discussing the "shovel-ready" jobs "plan" that a staggering two-thirds of the 2011 United States Congressional budget will be directed towards the online RPG (or MMORPG) industry to combat the endemic MMORPG and RPG genre. These heavy countermeasures have turned about face as the American economy slowly slumps over into a financial wreck. Congress, hoping that it will solve all problems, has blamed the RPG industry (and not the Valve Corporation, however) for making the games so addictive that the current working generation has virtually left the job market, craving the artificial interaction with a "foxy-woman" (as stated by one anonymous correspondent). The United States Congress justified its decision using a recent study performed by the National Bureau of Statistics and the Valve Corporation; the study showed that at the end of 2008, 83% of American citizens with access to the internet were addicted to one or several MMOs and/or RPGs (ex. Runescape, a non-Valve game). The other 17% were found to be lazy and/or poor people who still haven't updated their dial-up modems to more modern DSL and high-speed routers.
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(Figure A) $1.4 trillion dollars of the grant will go to help victims (as shown in Figure A) of the MMORPG industry, but some will also be sent to the industry itself to help make the games less addictive.

Of the USD$2.4 trillion United States Dollars set to go towards the MMO industry, USD$1.4 trillion will be mandated to go forth and establish the Gaben-Newell Fund, a fund created for the specific duty of combating the pestilence of RPGs and MMORPGs. This foundation will also offer counselors and build clinics that will be scattered across the nation for the sad losers so badly affected by one of the aforementioned genres that they have lost all necessary social skills to interact with real people, having only communicated with others via in-game chat or a low quality free voice communication service.

So severe is the problem of RPGs and MMORPGs that an estimated 80% of total salaries in the Untied States are spent on virtual items or services each year, such as a virtual car which is "cheaper and more beneficial than owning an actual car." Spending on this level is said to be the main cause of the current financial crisis and slump in consumer spending. The Gaben-Newell Memorial Foundation was described by The Treasurer today as "the cure of excessive spending on unnecessary products." However, to boost consumer spending during the next four business quarters the government is directing USD$1.2 trillion to directly subsidize virtual products bought by people spending over 70% of weekly wages on non-physical materials (A "bonus" is made available for those earning under USD$30,000 a year, pending on family size).

The remaining USD$1 trillion is set aside for making the games less addictive. If the plan performs as successfully as predicted and the grant money set aside to aid the program is as effectively wasted as needed, President Obama and the newly appointed Secretary of Video Game Design (brought to you by the Valve Corporation, by the way), Gabe Newell, also predict there will be an influx of sun-deprived, pale, fat basement-dwellers will be emerging from basements (and occasional attics) all over the country until the year 2019. When said time comes, a prevention council will be established by the United States Congress to control the amount of socially incompetent 19-year-old idiots created by these games in the first place (although Valve had nothing to do with it).

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