UnNews:64% of U.S. Budget Goes Towards MMORPG Industry
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64% of U.S. Budget Goes Towards MMORPG Industry
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, March 21, 2018, 13:13:UTC)(
29 November 2011
Of the USD$2.4 trillion United States Dollars set to go towards the MMO industry, USD$1.4 trillion will be mandated to go forth and establish the Gaben-Newell Fund, a fund created for the specific duty of combating the pestilence of RPGs and MMORPGs. This foundation will also offer counselors and build clinics that will be scattered across the nation for the sad losers so badly affected by one of the aforementioned genres that they have lost all necessary social skills to interact with real people, having only communicated with others via in-game chat or a low quality free voice communication service.
So severe is the problem of RPGs and MMORPGs that an estimated 80% of total salaries in the Untied States are spent on virtual items or services each year, such as a virtual car which is "cheaper and more beneficial than owning an actual car." Spending on this level is said to be the main cause of the current financial crisis and slump in consumer spending. The Gaben-Newell Memorial Foundation was described by The Treasurer today as "the cure of excessive spending on unnecessary products." However, to boost consumer spending during the next four business quarters the government is directing USD$1.2 trillion to directly subsidize virtual products bought by people spending over 70% of weekly wages on non-physical materials (A "bonus" is made available for those earning under USD$30,000 a year, pending on family size).
The remaining USD$1 trillion is set aside for making the games less addictive. If the plan performs as successfully as predicted and the grant money set aside to aid the program is as effectively wasted as needed, President Obama and the newly appointed Secretary of Video Game Design (brought to you by the Valve Corporation, by the way), Gabe Newell, also predict there will be an influx of sun-deprived, pale, fat basement-dwellers will be emerging from basements (and occasional attics) all over the country until the year 2019. When said time comes, a prevention council will be established by the United States Congress to control the amount of socially incompetent 19-year-old idiots created by these games in the first place (although Valve had nothing to do with it).