|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
17 January 2011
PEN ISLAND -- Recent research has revealed that, much like how palm readers can give you a vague, nonspecific idea of how your life might play out, amateur and untrained male genitalia readers can tell you the likely financial habits of your hubby by simply examining his genitals. But you don't need to pay $50 for these services! Here are five easy things you can look for next time you're down there to help you better assess his worth!
edit 1. Seam thickness
Down the middle of every man's scrotum is a seam which stretches all the way to the perineum. You've the same seam, ladies. It's present below the female vagina, and it's what you ripped/will rip during childbirth.
Start looking at pictures of scrotums and try to guesstimate what you'd imagine the average seam width to be. If you sleep around a lot, then bring a penny to better average out the various sizes. A large seam definitely means he's more likely to take dangerous risks and shrug off paying back credit. Those with smaller seams should be best avoided as they'll demand a prenupt and cheat on you with a Cambodian prostitute. Play it safe and get a man with an average sized seam.
edit 2. Circumcision
We all know that Jewish men are circumcised, which could easily say a lot about many circumcised men. However, most American males in general are circumcised, so any anti-Semitic jokes you were expecting aren't going to be present. Uncircumcised men, however, are usually more likely to spend conservatively (rather than frugally; there is a difference).
edit 3. Vein prominence
Studies show that men with larger veins on their penis tend to be emotionally troubled, and as a result, spend money sporadically and on a whim. They are often financially tied to their emotions and will create financial tension within the home because of this spending behavior. Ask him if he would consider taking vasoconstricting medicine to stop him from being such a financial wuss. If not, consider him a lost cause and take the children to Guatemala.
Men with non-bulging yet colorful, healthy veins show great confidence in their career path and are generally financially reliable (so long as their pursuit is for a decent career). Men with more green veins than purple or blue veins tend to choose more high-paying and stable careers.
edit 4. Penis size
Of course it's true that men with smaller penises spend frivolously on luxury items to compensate. These are men to best avoid. But what can be said about men with larger penises? One study from the Genitalia Department at Stanford concluded that men with larger penises were more likely to have inflated egos and listen to Tom Leykis, a concerning combination. Again, go for average.
edit 5. Penile implants
A guy with penile implants -- the only proven effective way of increasing penis size -- is the most financially safe guy on the market. Rather than burning a hole in their wallet on expensive status symbols, these men directly solve the root of their financial problems with surgery. A man like this knows that all problems of the self are fixable with surgery, which is a bonus since he will be more likely to pony up cash for some plastic surgery in your later years.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|