|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
1 May 2006
WASHINGTON — Five congress members were arrested Friday after protesting outside the Sudanese Embassy concerning the extremely embarrassing ongoing carnage in the Darfur region. United States thought police convened quickly to stop the humiliating and treasonous display of the nation’s government’s amorality as quickly as possible.
“Look,” said an unnamed administration source, “these Darfur people are poor Africans, with no oil, who are probably going to die of malaria or aids or some other shit disease that everyone in fucking Africa has or is going to get anyway. Who gives a flying fuck if they get slaughtered by Arab militias? Better to let them do the work for us and then we can sweep in after the fact and take over. Didn’t you see From Russia with Love? Remember the part about the smart fish, that waits for the other two fish to kill each other? That’s how we roll, nigga.”
The five members of congress will be tried for thought crimes and treason at a public hearing in front of the U.S. Supreme Court building, following which they will be summarily executed by firing squad.
"We must hold our politicians, most of all our citizens, accountable for not making the United States look bad.” the unnamed source said. “While we have freedom of speech in this country, there are reasonable limits to our speech rights, for example, in this case, protesting a ongoing, preventable human rights disaster that exposes the inherent evil of the United States’ government is not protected speech.”
At the White House, President Bush thanked the Washington D.C. thought police force for their quick action.
"I just got up, and the first thing I hear about is this Darfur bullshit. That’s old news.” Bush said. “I don’t give a shit about people in fucking New Orleans, what makes anyone think that I should give a shit about people in God Damn Mother Fucking Africa? Jesus Fucking Christ riding a Fucking A-Bomb, I don’t give a fuck, and the rest of the country doesn’t give a fuck either.”
Bush went on to say that if the protestors were “real Americans” they’d protest against something that mattered, like that “Hugo Chavez bitch who’s been riding my ass lately. Motherfucker. Better keep that oil coming, Hugo. You know what I’m talking about”
Calls for comment from the congress members were not returned, as in advance of their trial, their tongues had been surgically removed and ceremonially nailed to the “Resolute Desk” in the oval office.