|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
5-year-old tricks Wisconsin governor
Straight talk, from straight faces
Saturday, November 17, 2018, 21:58:UTC)(
24 February 2011
MADISON, Wisconsin -- This is your reporter Buffy. I used mommy's phone today while she was in the shower, and called Governor Walker. I thought up the idea of telling them I was Karl Rove, an old bald guy who throws his weight around and had to put my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing. When someone in his office picked up the phone I said "Hey, it's me, Karl Rove. Get the Governor on this phone right now missy." Then Governor Walker picked up the phone. I used a machine to tape the call. Here, I'll write it down for you.
Gov. Walker: "Hello Karl."
Me, Buffy: "Mr. Walker, you tell me right now what you are doing there. Do you want to make the unions cry? Why don't you put some make-believe hippies into the mob of real hippies who are walking around that white building and give them a punch."
Gov. Walker: "Karl, we've discussed doing that. For now, we've decided not to let the goons loose on the hippies because the press might give me hell about it. It's got to be done without my fingerprints on it. And I'm trying to make the unions moan like a witch in heat. We're going to squeeze their balls until there's nothing left in them."
Me, Buffy: "Doggies like to chase balls. Do you have doggies? If you have some you can walk them around the hippies and then the doggies will get all petted and you can win the hearts and the minds of the hippies."
Gov. Walker: "That's a good idea, Karl, I'll get some guys working on that."
Me, Buffy: "Doggies. Maybe kitties too, make the kitties chase the hippies down the street."
Gov. Walker: "I'll do that, Karl."
Me, Buffy: "You know those mean people who went to Illinois so you couldn't find them and give them a wet-willy? What games do you want to play with them?"
Gov. Walker: "Oh, you're going to like this Karl. I'm going to pretend to talk to them in my office here, and while they're here the Senate Majority Leader will announce that they are included in a quorum, and then we can, what did you say, make the unions cry! Ronald Reagon showed us the way to glory when he told the aircraft traffic controllers to take a hike, and busted their union down the seams. I want to be known as the Ronald Reagan of the 21st Century. Can you help me be known as that, Karl?"
Me, Buffy: "Ronald Reegin? Is he your best friend? You can dress up to be him if that's the thing you want to play. I'll play too. Oh, Mommy's getting out of the shower now, so I've got to hang up now."
Gov. Walker: "Oh Jeez, thanks, Karl, that would be great. Just think, me and Ronald Reagan in the same breath. Well, give my best to Mrs. Rove there. My Chief of Staff just told me I've got David Koch on the other line, I'll give him a shout out for you, Karl."
Me, Buffy: "Smell you later Governor. Yes, I'm coming, Mom!"
So that was my phone call with our governor. He seemed to be really excited when I said he played and dressed up like his friend, Ronald Reagan, and about the doggies balls. When I told mommy I talked with the governor she didn't believe me until I played the tape. Then she said "Oh My God!" and pulled the drapes closed and locked the door. I will sneak out the back after I put this into our Uncyclopedia newspaper, and go down to the big white building where the hippies are playing drums. Maybe I'll report more news from there, but only after I pet the doggies!