|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
14 March 2007
The deaths came as a shock to the university, which has has been quarantined under the International L33T Control Act of 2000.
John "Doe" Gotti, 27, was a mature student at London's Westminster University when he was struck down with the killer virus which not only affects writing and typing, but reduces vision to 3 inches, pushes teeth in to unnatural positions in the mouth and triggers acute cirrhosis.
"He was used to be a popular, well-loved bloke." Said Andrew Poofinger, a friend of John's in the university. "But he just suddnly became a looser and started speaking and writing in riddles or something. We hardly ever saw him, he just sat infront of that laptop of his, writing his riddles, looking at 4chan and drinking Tab"
The second victim was 22-year-old student Oswald Crumm, and although he didn't know Gotti personaly, may have inadvertently given it to Gotti through "t3h !nt3rn3tz", a communications media thought to be infected with various levels of l33t viruses.
However Crumm was a close friend of Addams (first name unraveled), also 22 from Sweden, who, according to some students who are currently majoring in crazy conspiracy theories, Addams actually planned the outbreak as an attack on Wesminister as revenge for Sweden's disqualification from the International Projectile Vomiting University League and that Addams had enticed the two on "t3h !nt3rn3tz" with the promise of reciving something called "pr0n". A plan which horribly backfired when Addams himself became infected.
Spokeshermaphrodite for the investigation in to the deaths, Bobette Fannydrive, had this to say: "We have seriously considered the conspiracy theory students' theory in to the deaths.... seriously! But until we can find conclusive proof of the supposed "pr0n" Addams used to lead Gotti and Crumm to this co-called "t3h !nt3rn3tz", we're just going to fumble about aimlessly."
Fannydrive also erged public not to panic or rip out computers or kill themselves... again.