UnNews:33 people dead; nobody cares
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33 people dead; nobody cares
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, September 27, 2016, 01:55:UTC)(
7 May 2007
Early today, 33 people of mixed races, ages, and sex were killed outside of a building when they least expected it. Although the horrors of this travesty have yet to be fully explained by the police, most media outlets and big name charity funds have all issued the same statement about these fatal attacks: Nobody Cares.
Bystanders, many weeping or screaming in terror, were largely ignored and uninterviewed by the big-name media outlets such as ABC, CNN, CBS, and SPAM. UnNews has secured a comment from one of these bystanders, who said "This is really bad. I mean, last week we had 26 killed by some rogue gunmen out on the street across the corner, and that got a little bit of attention, but this was a fucking massacre, and no one seems to give a damn." News polls say that as many as 116% of people know about the horrible killings that took place today, but nobody cares because they think it that "it needed more teenage girls".
The region were the massacre took place has been known for these types of homicides before, and Police Chief Abadad Judjiz has commented that "These types of things happen everyday. We stopped responding to them in around 2004. The rule of thumb here is, if it isn't getting on some big network, we aren't lifting our asses to do it. Besides, it was probably just an accident. Kids are always shooting things these days, I bet one of them missed and caused this whole thing."
The American public has also turned a cold shoulder to the killings, with most of the public we polled saying that "they had no clue" what was happening and that "if you don't get that microphone away from my face in 3 seconds I'm going to smash your face in with a rolling pin." Even at home, news of these horrible murders travels slowly, with President Bush quoted as saying "Bring 'em on" in reference to the killers. Although the preliminary results have not yet been published to the general media (or maybe they have, we didn't care enough to check), it is also believed that the killer or killers committed suicide and are also among the dead.
Sources say that the general news media find the story uninteresting and bland, which is why it isn't being as widely published as other killings that have occurred recently. "People don't care about a couple of dozen people gettin' knocked off on the street," says famed conservative pundit Bill O'Rielly, "It's just thinning the herd." "People care about the important stuff. Like gays and video game violence."
NBC anchor Brian Williams agreed "As much as I hate to find myself on the same side of an issue as facists like Bill O'Reilly, Paris Hilton or Pres. Eisenhower, lets face it, it used to be 'if it bleeds it leads,' but no mas. People are catching led every day." "Now, only sex sells. We're having a hard time getting folks to pay attention without some T & A. And that's a real challenge when your trying to push products like Cindy Sheehan and Al Sharpton." UnNews pressed Willaims for further comments, but at this point he rushed off to some corner to huff some kittens and we were forced to stop the interview.
The death toll may still rise, as similar threats have been heard all across the area where the killings took place from many different radical groups within the community. Although these threats have been proven real enough in the past, many people don't care and still continue with their daily lives. UnNews will try to keep the news reports flowing in on this case, though frankly us at the home office don't really care about this either.
- ""Horrible Massacre Kills 33"". [[wikipedia:|]], May 06, 2007