UnNews:23,000 police officers are actually ice-cream salesmen
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23,000 police officers are actually ice-cream salesmen
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, October 1, 2016, 17:17:UTC)(
30 December 2012
An investigation into the British police force found that more than 23,000 officers are in fact ice-cream salesmen. The figure has soared by a massive amount of almost 55.4 per cent in a single year. It raises serious questions about whether officers’ ice-cream interests conflict with their police duties.
Prime Minister David Cameron, has stated his concern on the matter: "How are we supposed to feed children the best quality ice-cream if the salesmen are doing their job half-heartedly?!"
"It disgusts me to think that these salesmen can sleep contently at night, knowing that being a police officer will mean that they can't deliver the best ice-cream they possibly can."
Police officers also have things to say about selling ice-cream. Two of the most respected detectives in the force, Phil Cassidy and Victor Vance, have released statements "While on a stakeout,I pass the time by selling our ice-cream" said Cassidy''."I sell them to the suspects, to the victims, to everybody"
"I only joined the police to make my dad proud, but my heart and soul belong to selling ice-cream" explained Vance."I remember the first time I had ice-cream. It was a sunny day, in a park with my brother and he brought me strawberry with a flake and ever since, I have always loved ice-cream."
The investigation has also revealed that 12,000 other police staff teach pole dancing, 10,000 are pole dancers, 8000 are Poles, 7000 are vicars, 4000 are taxi drivers, 1000 are fighter pilots and 1 is a shopkeeper.
"I was taught pole-dancing by the police commissioner, for the price of my virginity" said pole dancer, Boobie Galore,15. "He told me he used to do it in gay bars for the pleasure."
We could not reach the commissioner for any comments.