UnNews:2016 election is over

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2016 election is over

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Sunday, August 20, 2017, 10:04:59 (UTC)

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7 June 2016

Hillary Clinton sunglasses

Hillary is now comfortable with mere proletarians gazing directly at her, and almost never shouts, "Off with their heads!"

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Wire services are reporting that Hillary Clinton has sewn up enough delegates to win the Democratic Party nomination at the convention next month in Philadelphia.

This means that we can quote them, and they can quote us, and you can quote them, or us. Separately, it means that the 2016 nomination process is over, Hillary is the winner, and all that remains to be seen is whether anyone shows up in Philadelphia to listen to a droning acceptance speech and roaring calls — between coughing fits — for party supporters to work real hard during autumn.

The contest officially ended as Hillary won a decisive victory in Puerto Rico, giving her the magic number of 2383 needed to win a first-ballot majority. 2378 of these were super-delegates, party insiders and elected officials who agreed to fix the process in her favor before it began. Puerto Rico has no vote for U.S. President, but then again, neither does the delegation from the LGBT Community or the Global warming Community, which also overwhelmingly joined the Hillary landslide. Red China has earned the right to send dozens of delegates to Philadelphia, and they are all for Hillary too.

The wire services scooped the other media, and did a huge service for voters in states that vote on June 7, by announcing the futility of voting for challenger Bernie Sanders before the polls opened, rather than waiting until the election returns were in. Sanders did not concede defeat, however. He said, "My political persona is that of a demented, crotchety oldster, and I do not have to concede anything. I did not even concede this morning's sunrise. I will continue campaigning right up to the convention — and right up to November 8, whether or not I am nominated; and probably beyond. It beats going home to Vermont and clipping coupons and writing letters!"

Hillary defeated Sanders, despite dodging such debates as were not scheduled against televised football championship games, because if when elected, she would will be the first-ever, never-ever-before woman President. The American electorate has seen how excellent it was to elect the first-ever, never-ever-before Negro President even though he had been nothing but an inner-city race hustler. White voters who actually work also voted for Mr. Obama out of the hope that, if they conceded to the "race card," it would never be played again, least of all for eight solid years.

On the Republican side, the wire services have also declared Donald Trump the nominee, and have declared the Republican convention in Cleveland next month superfluous. George Soros has been advised to cancel the contracts of the goons who were set to riot in the streets and have it be Trump's fault, and that only because it is a bit of a stretch at this point to still call it George W. Bush's fault.

In fact, Hillary has been declared the winner of the November general election. UnNews analysts Karl Rove and Dan Rather said, "Normally, we follow journalistic ethics unfailingly, and decline to make predictions until after the polls close, at least in one of Florida's time zones. However, this time, it is clear that Hillary is the undisputed winner.

"Hillary won the November election because of the nation's desire to continue the Obama economic malaise — while curbing or at least distancing herself from its more disruptive effects, all of which owed to the Republican majority in Congress, which would never cooperate but insisted on writing its own legislation."

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UnNews Senior Editors are currently furiously fact-checking this related article:

Cincinnati gorilla stymies police

Newsroom interns who are panicking about filling the news pages for the next five solid months are being advised by veteran newsmen to cover Panic In The Skies, inexplicable weather patterns, and schoolyard gun massacres. Busloads of interns are being sent to zoos in all major cities in case more animals get out, or toddlers get in.

The Hillary campaign expects that some will dissent from the inevitable result, but has sent mini-vans to Fort Marcy Park here to see if there is enough space under sprawling oak trees for more corpses to be laid out neatly beneath them after their "suicide notes" are found, all torn up, and with pieces missing. The wire services predict that future Attorney General Bill Clinton will decline the FBI's recommendation to prosecute his "wife," after deciding that the nation needs to put the regrettable unfortunate episodes behind it and #MoveOn.

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