UnNews:2012 doomsday rescheduled due to inclimate weather, other doomsdays waiting to happen
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2012 doomsday rescheduled due to inclimate weather, other doomsdays waiting to happen
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, March 21, 2018, 17:03:UTC)(
21 December 2012
Today people all around the world were sighing with relief as doomsday was called off. The 2012 winter solstice doomsday predicted by the Mayans was cancelled because of inclimate weather. It seems that a mild snowstorm in New York City had caused President Barack Hussein Obama to call off "The End". He messaged God via e-mail to describe how a doomsday in bad weather would, quote, "both ruin the amazing yet terrifying sight of the end of the world and make the damage even more expensive to repair". God was not available for comment or reply, but it seems that all disasters have been deleted.
In San Antonio, Texas, the public saw what was reported to be a giant 50,000 foot long shower of "impending darkness", along with small meteors and a giant tidal wave that could wipe out Indonesia. Luckily, these soon receded back. Similar events happened all over the world, including a giant boomerang about to hit Australia. The Australians were not pleased at the joke.
In Los Angeles, California, a massive earthquake that caused hundreds of deaths caused protest against God because he had not stopped the earthquake. However, the CIA told the public that these were in fact quite common in California. Massive amounts of facepalms and pity soon followed throughout the area.
The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) has administrated that the cancellation of the doomsday was in fact global warming and is in fact the current apocalyptic scenario. Al Gore heavily supported this statement, but with no appeal by the public. The government was then forced to reschedule the Mayan Doomsday. They evaluated this with the following disaster variables:
Global Warming, Swine Flu, New Ice Age, Meteors hitting earth, black holes, self-aware malevolent androids, supervolcano eruption, supernova, stranglet vacuum, Judgement Day, Republicans, alien invasion, magnetic drift of the North and South poles, zombies, etc, etc.
Thoroughly taking these disaster scenarios into consideration, the next available Mayan Winter Solstice Doomsday is February 2, 5037.