|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
8 June 2007
London, UK The 2012 Olympics logo, meant to appeal to youth, has had an even more effective impact than expected, single-handedly causing a wave of self-directed positive changes in the lives of many area youth.
For example, as explained by Isaac Inman, 17, "I used to get high on heroin every weekend and then drive nails through my penis. Now, because of the new logo, I have stopped taking heroin and am now working as a full-time member of a boy scout group. The little free time I have I devote to rescuing stranded kittens and cooking meals for homeless people."
The positivity expressed by Inman and many others is no surprise to London 2012 organizing committee chairman Sebastian Coe.
"The logo will define the venues we build and the Games we hold and act as a reminder of our promise to use the Olympic spirit to inspire everyone and reach out to young people around the world. It is an invitation to take part and be involved. We will host a Games where everyone is invited to join in because they are inspired by the Games to either take part in the many sports, cultural, educational and community events leading up to 2012 or they will be inspired to achieve personal goals, such as Mr. Inman's logo success story. Perhaps we will be able to stop his self-harm someday, but getting off heroin is a major step forward."
Tony Blair agreed, saying "When people see the new brand, we want them to be inspired to make a positive change in their life, as Mr. Inman has."
Inquisitions have been made into the Lisa Simpson issue, and preliminary reports suggest that accusations of Lisa Simpson performing fellatio on the 2012 logo are falsified and libelous. "Lisa Simpson cannot be acting in such a way. She's 9 years old," said particularly naive scientist Horace Greenman.
Meanwhile, religious conservatives assert that the pink color of the logo promotes homosexuality. "Is everyone paying attention to me now? Alrighty then...Stone the Gays!" said a surprisingly level-headed Pat Robertson yesterday. When the proponents of the logo and anyone with half a brain pointed out that there were three other official colors (blue, orange, and green), Pat Robertson pointed out that they were wrong because "I'm right. Ha."
The American government, discouraged by the widespread general empty-headedness of the youth in their country, has attempted to create a version of the olympic logo that will apply to American kids. However, inspiring American children won't be as easy as inspiring British ones, since most American children can't make it through the first five seconds of the British olympic animation without becoming hopelessly bored. However, Dr. Louis Schlouper believes he has found a solution: "I've devised an olympic logo that is bound to appeal to America's youth," he says, "The animation is four seconds long, and depicts a scene inspired by the movie 'Hostel', in which a cute-looking little animated guy gets a drill driven into the back of his skull. The blood splatters all over the camera and forms the words, "THE OLYMPICS." I'm sure this will be much more successful at catching the attention of America's children then that British ad, which our young ones, bless them, just can't appreciate."