|This article is part of UnNews||Where man always bites dog|
27 March 2007
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REDMOND, Washington -- Republican and Democratic party officials are scurrying to get their candidates on Xbox Live. A recent Gallup poll of 1000 American high school seniors noted that 83% of these first time voters would vote for the candidate that they feel could prove they can handle the job, and that the best test of that was in the politicians' mastery of video games. Meanwhile, a recent Reid Poll of 1000 senior citizens indicates that 81% of them have accidents in their pants; 88% of UnNews readers find this information disturbing.
Tycho Brahe from the Penny Arcade, a web comic for video game enthusiasts, had this to say to UnNews: "What better way can a presidential candidate prove to the registered voters that he can do the job if he's never held the political office before? While 3D Realms is 10 years behind in its President of the United States Simulator, I'm certain we're more likely to see it in the future than Duke Nukem Forever. Which was first promised during the Carter Administration. Still there's plenty of other games out there for a candidate to showcase their skills."
Tycho suggested the Xbox 360 offered the best and latest games for putting the wannabe presidents through the paces. "The Wii is great for getting your overweight preteen off his ass and moving his arms about, and trust me that market is freakin' huge, Nintendo must have partnered with Halliburton and Satan for that idea, it's Wal-Mart brilliant. The PS3 on the other hand is too expensive, even for heavily financed political campaign budgets. The base model costs six hundred million dollars and for the Premium; your first born child. While John Edwards has one, as he has at least 27 children that we know of. For his opponents like Hillary Clinton, who have only one crotch dropping, such a purchase isn't feasible. What with family photo-ops and potential future Playboy centerfolds."
"The Xbox 360 is the most logical choice. It's only slightly more expensive than the Wii and while it won't make your lard ass yuppie larvae any healthier, people like looking at fat kids as it makes them feel better about themselves. Anyway, Xbox Live, which all 360s have access to, is the ultimate political tool for the gamer conscious. By making public their Gamertag, the voters on Xbox Live can then see the progress each candidate has made through the Achievement points they've accumulated in the games they've played. The total of these Achievement points is the players, or in this case the politicians, aptly named Gamerscore. The one with the highest score would obviously be the best person to run the country. Hey, it makes more sense than the Electoral College."
Also, on a side note, Hilary Clinton has recently made it through the hardest of all the tests, figuring out what this "Xbox Live" shenanigans really is, and deciding to get it relabled as Mature for "frequent use of the H word, heck." In addition, anyone with an elephant picture in their profile picture has been banned from "XBox live" until they change it.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|