UnNews:2006 brought in for questioning
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2006 brought in for questioning
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, September 3, 2015, 22:22:UTC)(
UMBONGO: As the sharp stench of vomit dissipated, and the crowds of dionysian revellers awoke to a sort of hungover self-loathing, it was announced today that the year 2006 had been taken into custody on the grounds of potential links to global terrorism.
The arrest took place after the suspect was apprehended by Interpol agents in Bangkok last night, following a tip-off from an anonymous source.
Lawyers for the year have stated that "Oh-Six" is in police custody and is helping with inquiries, but others say that the arrest - which was carried out before several hundred onlookers and some New Years revellers - was anything but peaceful.
The following creamy biscuit of news factualisation comes direct from CIA Spokesword Don O'Conscience: "We became aware of suspect activity from the rogue dates in late December and were forced to act fast - luckily no civilians were harmed in any way by the removal of this problem."
Government Officials confirm that they have already detained about 90% of the year in a purpose-built cell on the outskirts of Bogota, and will be taking in the remaining portion for public safety and convenience over the course of the next twelve weeks. In the meantime, members of the general public who suspect they may still have fragments of the year are asked to place them in a thick plastic bag or bin liner and take it to the closest police station immediately.
The government has said it does not want to provoke a widespread panic on this matter and state that the year is "not dangerous to handle; though quick to violence if cornered".
In a precedent for International Terror Laws, the Year will be held for up to 365 days without charge, giving interrogators the opportunity to monitor every aspect of its influence.
Certain pressure groups though have spoken out against the prolonged period of custody-without-charge; Jakkie Motherboard-Wright of Amnesty International: "That a supposedly civilised government can take this action in this day and age is appalling - the sheer length of custody time is a gross breach of fundamental human rights."
But when confronted with the so-simple-a-plumber-could-have-predicted-it rhetorical question of "what about the human rights of the people who might have died in 2006?", her argument fell apart: "Well, that's neither here nor there, really" she spat, amongst other Liberalist platitudes.
edit NEWs & UnProved:
Officials have just issued a statement confirming that charges have been brought against 2006 but they advise the general public that the events should not encroach on their everyday lives too much, and that they should carry on as if all were normal.
The official line is to remain in 2005 for now, or to use 2007 should any conflicts in dates arise.