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25 January 2007
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WASHINGTON, D. C. - With the stroke of a pen, President George Bush signed an executive order by which 1600 Pennsylvania is no longer part of the United States. “We’ve seceded,” First Lady Laura Bush confirmed rumors that the nation’s capitol is no longer the nation’s capitol.
The president, his family, his cabinet, and his advisors have “taken to the mattresses,” Press Secretary Tony Snow told reporters, using a term made famous by the Mafia gangs’ use of mattresses to protect safe houses from the reprisal by gunfire of rival mobs. They’d sleep on the mattresses by night and use them to fortify windows and doors by day.
The Secret Service has assigned agents to strategic defensive positions in and around the White House. “No one gets in, and no one gets out,” the lead agent told Unnews reporter Lotta Lies.
In addition, Marine Corps forces are on the march from their barracks at 8th and I Streets, SE, and are expected to arrive within the hour to bolster the president’s guard.
“We also have helicopter gun ships on standby at Andrews Air Force Base,” Vice-President Dick Cheney announced, as he made his way through the Rose Garden, flanked by heavily armed soldiers. “Trespassers will be shot on sight,” he warned.
The president has given no explanation for the extreme measure of ordering the secession of the Executive Mansion from the Union, leaving Congressional leaders to figure out for themselves what concerns may have motivated the president’s action.
“He’s an imbecile,” Speaker Nancy Pelosi theorized. She has vowed to call out the National Guard “or somebody” to take back the White House, which, she says, “belongs to me and the rest of the American people. Bush is just a tenant who’s about to be evicted.”
Prime Minister Tony Blair, who is staying across the street from the White House at Blair House, said he has been unable to reach the president but wants to extend the assistance of the United Kingdom in support of the president’s decision. “The full resources of our nation are at the disposal of George W. Bush. We will help him to put down any armed insurrection, whether such rebellion is related to the secession of the White House or not. We are anxious to repay you Yanks for the affront to His Majesty King George’s dignity back in 1781, and we look forward to colonizing your country again.”
Meanwhile, in a televised address to the American people, the embattled President Bush has vowed “not to cut and run.” He added, “We can and will win--both here, at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, and there, in Iraq.”
The New York Times has criticized the move, claiming, "You can't have it both ways, separate from the United States AND be at war in Iraq." Fox News Network quickly responded, with interviewees saying the President can fight in Iraq, either as a member of the coalition, or as the President of the United States, even if he succeeded from the Union, "Average Americans don't have all the military intelligence that the White House does, therefore Americans can't disagree."
- Lotta Lies "Bush: going to the mattresses at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue". Instant News, 8 seconds ago