UnNews:13 year old wins spelling bee; guarantees life of virginity
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13 year old wins spelling bee; guarantees life of virginity
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 3, 2015, 07:38:UTC)(
1 June 2007
Washington DC - Erin O'Doones, a 13 year old math whiz from Los Angeles, recently emerged as the national spelling bee champion after completing the word Aarakocra. Unfortunately, along with the winner's medal came the title of World's Biggest Loser, making O'Doones the target of worldwide scorn and condemnation.
O'Doones claimed he knew the word the moment it was pronounced, recalling it as a birdlike humanoid in an obscure Dungeons and Dragons sourcebook. Other words O'Doones successfully completed included Lothlórien, Sephiroth, and Nyarlathotep. O'Doones credits his victory to countless hours spent in his basement exploring the realms of fantasy. The young man proudly declared to reporters, "If I actually had a life, I never could have won."
Cheerleaders and sorority girls everywhere were swift to condemn O'Doone's dubious achievement. Paris Hilton, as president of the National Dirty Whores Administration, spoke to journalists at a press conference. O'Doones has been sanctioned with a lifelong ban on all booty calls and frat parties. Additionally, he is never allowed to be serviced by a prostitute under the age of 42. Hilton explained that "these measures are to ensure that O'Doones remains a virgin as long as possible. No member of our organization is allowed to willingly be in the same room as him, much less pleasure him sexually."
NDWA vice president Britney Spears was asked for her thoughts, but was in the process of downing a Vicodin margarita and could not provide a statement.
The lifelong booty ban is not the only sanction facing O'Doones. He will also be required to register as a Tool, and will not be allowed to live or work within two miles of a ghetto, bar, or sports arena. All ghetto residents will be provided with a photo of O'Doones and will be urged to contact their nearest gang member if he is spotted violating these restrictions.
Undereducated single mothers everywhere despaired that people like O'Doones are allowed in public places. "What if my kid gets smart thanks to him?" Shaquila Washington told reporters. "I can't have my baby readin' books when he should be earnin' his bank! He ain't no kind of role model at all."
Representatives from the Crips and Bloods issued a joint statement to reporters this morning. Spokesman J-Dizzle explained, "Our organizations intend to cooperate in whupping this kid's ass. We have to protect our children's ignorance. Trust me, he got it coming."
According to O'Doones, a lifetime of bullying, masturbation and voyeurism is a fair trade for winning junior high's greatest honor. "I always have the internet," he explained. "And besides, I'm probably going to end up a serial killer anyway."