13,889th suicide bomber reaches Paradise, but Allah runs out of virgins
Straight talk, from straight faces
Tuesday, February 9, 2016, 06:03:UTC)(
7 July 2007
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MUJAHIDEENLAND, Paradise -- The 13,889th martyred jihadist reached Paradise at 15:37 APT (Allah's Paradise Time) yesterday but was informed by Allah that he will not get his 72 virgins, as was promised. “Ahmed, I know I messed this one up big time, but I beg you give me one more chance pleaseeeee...” said Allah, the All Beneficent and Most Merciful One.
Ahmed Mohammad Yusuf, a 46 year old Taliban mujahideen from Afghanistan, detonated his suicide vest at 02:42 APT at a checkpoint near the southeastern town of Spin Boldak, Afghanistan. 10 Afghan camels were killed in the process.
Although death was instantaneous for Ahmed, it took his soul almost 13 hours to reach Paradise. “Oh my Allah, that was such a painstakingly slow trip. I was bored out of my mind! What happened to good-old customer service, like the movies and music entertainment you get on transcontinental flights on American airlines?” said a visibly Ahmed.
The arduously dull trip was only the beginning of Ahmed’s troubles, however. When he reached Paradise, Allah seemed very surprised to see him. “I was expecting Allah -PBUH- to welcome me with open arms, or at the very least, give me a pat on my back and say something like, ‘Well done, my boy’,” said Ahmed. It turns out that Allah was in fact quite stunned when Ahmed showed up because He was not expecting the next martyr soul to arrive until a couple days later.
One million virgins
Apparently, Allah, the All Knowing and Numberer of All, recently realized that, at the rate at which suicide jihadists are blowing themselves apart, He will run out of virgins for his “holy warriors” sometime around September 2007. “I may have miscalculated by a few days, but the point is, my mujahideen on Earth have been so eager to hump their heavenly 72 virgins, I simply just can’t keep up any longer,” sighed Allah. With the 13,889th martyr now in heaven, and at a ratio of 72 virgins per martyr, one million virgins have officially been offered, a record-high figure which crosses a significant threshold and taxes on Allah’s abilities to cope.
Contracting Blackwater USA
Luckily for those mujahideen still waiting on Earth to be martyred, Allah, the Reinstater Who Brings Back All (or whatever that means), is an exceptionally resourceful divine being. For the past few days, He has been busy trying to secure a deal with Blackwater USA, a well-known private military contractor. Although Blackwater is traditionally a private security firm contracted by the U.S. government to provide military support in Iraq and Afghanistan, it has recently begun to expand its business.
“Ever since that damn documentary ‘Iraq for Sale: The War Profiteers’, we’ve been catching a lot of flak and our profits literally plunged to the bottom, from 10 billion dollars in 2005 to 9.99998 billion dollars in 2006. Understandably, we saw the need to expand our contracting services to other business servicing sectors. Me and Gary, the President of Blackwater, came up with the idea to get into the prostitution procurement industry one Sunday afternoon when we were chilling out on the couch, watching that Deuce Bigalow movie,” said VP for Strategic Initiatives Chris Taylor, who is currently (and temporarily, one must stress) in Paradise to negotiate the deal with Allah. “When Mr. Allah here called us up last week, we knew this business opportunity was simply too good to pass up,” added Mr. Taylor.
Outsourcing of virgins
According to sources close to the negotiation, as part of the proposed agreement Blackwater will set up a new division – Blackwater Hustler - within its corporate structure. This division will be headed by world renowned pimp expert and will be tasked with “strategizing, procuring, and managing” a steady, reliable supply of virgins for the entire harem in Paradise. More than half of the stocks of contract virgins will come from the Caribbean Virgin Islands, with Virginians, West Virginians, prudes, members of ASexuals Society (ASS), and a couple of “single women in their 40s with extremely undesirable traits” accounting for the rest. Additionally, part-time virgins and temps will be contracted on a per-need-basis during periods of intense suicide bombings and martyrdoms on Earth.
“At the rate at which suicide bombings are going on in Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Israel, and the list goes on, this is going to be a challenge, especially considering the fact that we need to supply SEVENTY-TWO virgins every time a bomb goes off. This doesn’t even factor in situations where a terrorist, I mean... a ‘holy warrior’, yeah my client doesn’t like that term... accidentally blows himself up while preparing his suicide vest. Nevertheless, we’re confident we will be able to handle our client’s demands and we look forward to working for Mr. Allah in the countless millennia to come,” said Mr. Taylor.
When asked if jihadists who unintentionally blew themselves into smithereens really do count as martyrs, Mr. Taylor replied, “Yeah, they do count. I know, I was surprised too when my client told me ‘holy warriors’ who messed up still get their 72 virgins, in full and as promised, with no penalties. It’s got something to do with that ‘being all merciful and forgiving’ virtue thingy the client said He’s obliged to do since He’s described that way in the Qur’an. I guess it’s all good since virtuous clients are honest business partners.”
Right hand to stand-in
In the meantime, as the deal is still being negotiated, Ahmed will have to make do with his own right hand. “This is not even anywhere as fun as it was like back on Earth,” said an upset Ahmed with his pants half-down. He was clearly distracted by the loud moaning and grunting sounds coming out of the room of Mohammed Atta and by sights of Marwan al-Shehhi blissfully fondling the breasts and asses of his cute virgins out in the open. Atta and al-Shehhi are the pilots who flew the planes into the World Trade Center towers during the Sept 11th, and as such, are given the most voluptuous and “submissive” virgins on this side of Paradise, according to sources close to Allah.
Reserved super hottt virgins
Allah, the Generous and Majestic One, tried to pacify Ahmed, pleading, “I can miraculously grant you 71 more right limbs on your soul-body if that helps, Ahmed. It will be just like 72 vaginas, I promise. Promise! Just don’t be mad at me, pleaseeeee...” The clearly agitated (and horny) Ahmed responded by pointing at a solitary group of gorgeous virgins who appeared to be lazing around and were evidently not attending to any mujahideen, and asked, “How about them? Why can’t I have them?! I’ve asked all the mujahideen brothers here, those virgins don’t belong to anyone!”
Allah reiterated that those super hottt virgins are specially reserved for Osama bin Laden and Ayman al-Zawahiri, founders of al-Qaeda and His “most cherished holy warriors”. Ahmed immediately questioned whether bin Laden and al-Zawahiri will ever be martyred anytime soon, whining, “Bush is retarded so he’s not going to find that they’re hiding under his desk in the Oval Office okay?? Why can’t I just bang these virgins first??? I knew I should have hung on to those two fat Afghan wives of mine!! Argghhhhh!” He then stomped off to the distance fuming, leaving behind Allah, who was at a loss for words.
Allah was reported by some news sources to be quite dejected for the rest of the day. As this article went into press, the two have yet to patch up.
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- Joey Bagodonuts "National Lampoon's Webisode ``National Lampoon's 72 Virgins Featured on Fox News Channel's The Bill O'Reilly Show". National Lampoon, June 21, 2007