UnNews:10,000 bags “misplaced” at airports
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10,000 bags “misplaced” at airports
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, September 3, 2015, 07:17:UTC)(
15 August 2006
It said half of them are still piled up at airports, waiting to be stolen by rat faced baggage handlers who open suitcases to remove, and then fondle women’s underwear, which they sometimes wear themselves, whilst parading around singing a song, “[[They could be wearing your bras right now]]”. The police warned. “Even worse they could be wearing terrorist bras right now!” A war of words has erupted between BA and airport operator BAA over who is to blame for all of our problems, and the misplaced luggage.
Meanwhile police said another person had been arrested under terror laws in connection with the Terror plot. Police described this development as “terrifying”. “We thought we’d arrested everyone” The police explained “It turns out there are thousands of people still out there, who haven’t been arrested!”
BA is considering seeking revenge on BAA after being thoroughly dumped in the shit by them, and forced to cancel hundreds of flights. “We’ll burn your planes motherfuckers!” a British Airways executive threatened. BAA retorted saying it would “Get those bastards” and releasing 400 snakes, which at this moment may or may not be on planes.
BA boss Willie Walsh said BAA's management had had "no plans" to deal with the emergency, “we’re going to curl up in a foetal position, until these problems go away.” All UK airports have now relaxed the restrictions on hands and luggage introduced following Thursday's Islamic terror alert crazyness.
However the government is to introduce new measures to combat terrorism, and the threat of ISLAMOGEDDON! Passengers considered more of a security threat than others will be singled for tougher airport checks, involving lie detectors, and mind control. The idea is harass these people, until they confess their evil. A new offence of “travelling whilst Asian", will also be introduced to prevent terrorists from moving freely around the country.