UnNews:(RED) campaign announces first-year results
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
(RED) campaign announces first-year results
Straight talk, from straight faces
Wednesday, July 1, 2015, 15:59:UTC)(
6 March 2007
RICH PARADISE, Bahamas, Monday (UNN) — The (RED) anti-AIDS marketing initiative has announced its first annual results.
The initiative, fronted by Bono, seeks to promote a "co-philanthropy" model, wherein companies can do good works by selling products they were going to sell anyway, but with a little red bit on to show how much they care. Really. They care.
"We've worked hard on the model," said Bobby Shriver, (RED) CEO. "It's been a brand launch designed to get people used to the idea of an entirely new fund raising model. Because (RED) is explicitly NOT a charity, we encourage our partners to go about their business including their marketing. Gap, Apple, Sprint and other sales people are meeting Americans and explaining that 5,500 Africans dying daily of AIDS is preventable."
"The publicity has been fantastically effective," said Bono from his Caribbean island. "Steven Spielberg smiling down from billboards in San Francisco, Christy Turlington striking a yoga pose in a New Yorker ad, me cruising Chicago's Michigan Avenue with Oprah Winfrey, eagerly snapping up Red products, Chris Rock appearing in Motorola TV spots saying 'Use Red, nobody's dead', and the Red room at the Grammy Awards. This is something to be really proud of."
Steve Jobs also voiced his support. "I don't see how else you can assuage your OVERWHELMING GUILT at your comfortable life and income without a Red U2 iPod on your belt. Imagine the SHAME if people saw you with a plain white or black one. The SHAME."
The stunning return to AIDS charities for 2006 was $18,000 on over $100 million in marketing and consumer spend. "The only way is up!" said Shriver. "Onward and upward!"
"Buy more stuff!" said Jobs.
- Marketing Goatfelcher "Ahh, shaddup and play yer iPod™". (RED) Community Relations Team, March 5, 2007