UnNews:'This Might Be Giant,' say Lincoln Police

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24 January 2012

Sun in jail
Various petty criminals have been arrested for the more minor crimes. They are currently locked up in their prison cells, always thinking, always busy cooking up an angle.

LINCOLN, Massachusetts -- Lead Lincoln officers John Flansburgh and John Linnell are attempting to make sense of a series of odd crimes that have plagued the area of late.

"It began several months ago, right where we stand," said Flansburgh, pointing to a statue that some claimed had "got them high." None of the claimants were ever able to explain why or, indeed, how.

"We're standing where the statue got them high," Flansburgh elaborated.

That kicked off a wave of offbeat crimes, including an attempt to burn the playhouse down; bridge graffiti; stealing (because it's fun to steal), including a sterling stein, Christmas cards, concentration, and blades of grass; hijacking the parade; and the shooting of future hotel detective Ana Ng's desktop globe with sapphire bullets of pure love, which were subsequently dug out of the wall behind the globe.

"Mr. Horrible," a police officer speaking on condition of anonymity, said that some in the department believe that someone among them is working undercover for the man on behalf of the shadow government, but aside from rumors nobody has been able to connect the crimes. "This might be giant," Horrible said.

Most recently, resident John Lee was allegedly kidnapped by the Mayor George Finby when he attempted by prevent the mayor from stealing his junk. Attempting a citizen's arrest, Lee was stuffed into the mayor's car's trunk. He was freed when the car, which is covered entirely in mink fur, was pulled over on an existing warrant for running over a pedestrian earlier in the day.

"This raises new and troubling questions," said Linnell. "I'm impressed."

Lee was then taken to the Insect Hospital for observation.

"He had contrecoup on the rebound," said Dr. Worm, the physician who attended to Lee's head injury. "The second [blow to the brain] was worse by far than the first." Fortunately, Lee has suffered no loss to his "supertasting" powers, which allow him to experience a pear as though it were a million pears.

It's possible that the crime goes beyond Lincoln's mayor all the way up to the House of Mayors, the highest authority in the trans-Lincoln area, although the House has denied this and has retained a lawyer to lend his attack.

While the police probe the crime further, residents are urged to remain calm and hang on, hang on tighter.

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