UnNews:'Tedward' remembered by Caroline Kennedy
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'Tedward' remembered by Caroline Kennedy
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, July 7, 2015, 11:52:UTC)(
28 August 2009
Thanks to three bribes and a back rub to four members of the Kennedy family, UnNews reporter, Mark Lourd, was able to retrieve this unedited version of Caroline Kennedy remembering her uncle, 'Tedward'.
Boston, Mass. On Wednesday, my uncle went to the other side. No he did not become a Conservative. Nor did he get interviewed by, you know, Glenn Beck. He died. He kicked the bucket. He went up to the big Senate in the sky. Get my drift? Well, you know, he was a great man… I really, like, appreciated him as my uncle, you know? He supported me in my senatorial run…which failed, you know? He screwed me up, you know? Cause he started dying…and, you know, I was his family and had to help him. But that, like, makes me, you know, pissed, so I, like, won’t talk about that…
My uncle, you know, I called him Tedward visited me a few times when I was a kid. And, you know, that was great. I think he might of once given me a Dr. Seuss book, you know? He was nice to my mom after my daddy got his. I think, like, a little too nice, you know? They once, you know, went into, like, my mom’s room for, like, three hours and made, like, strange noises, you know? I now, like, know what those noises meant, you know? An, like, that pisses me off, you know? So I’ll talk, like, about, you know, something else, like, you know, that time, you know, he killed, you know, that whore. Personally, I think, you know, he, like, got away with murder, but, you know, my publicist said it would, like, be a bad idea, you know, to tell people that. That, like, really pissed me off, you know? I’m, like, a Kennedy, I, you know, can do, like, whatever the hell I want. I, like, could get away with murder, you know? No idiot publicist is, you know, going to, like, tell me what to do. Anyway, you know, on to my, like, favorite memory with, you know, Tedward.
I was too young to go to Woodstock, so Tedward promised he would take me to some other big ass, pot filled, sex exploiting musical festival. In 1973, at age, like, fifteen, He brought me to, you know, Watkins Glen Music Festival, and it was, like, you know, the biggest music festival, you know, ever. If I remember correctly, you know, through the, you know, pot covered memory, Tedward was, like, “making noises”, behind, you know, closed barn doors I was, like, high, you know, the whole time. I slept with, like, three strangers and my brother. I also pole danced for, like, some hippies. I came out there, like, you know, a man…that’s how, like, the saying, like goes, you know…? But I, like, came out a woman, you know? I lost, like, my virginity and, you know? Then, like, a month later, you know, I found out I was, like, you know, pregnant…So Tedward helped me out with my abortion. And, like, it involved, you know…hangers and shit. It hurt like hell, but it was also kind of like, you know, fingering my self.
Tedward also helped me through, like, my pot addiction, you know? He would, like, get me the, you know, finest pot available, no matter, you know, the cost. For weeks on end I would, you know, be stoned with, like, no breaks thanks to Teddy. What a great uncle, you know? I eventually, you know, stopped after a, like, near-death experience, you know, like, involving two bunnies, a carrot, Tom Cruise, and, like, four pounds of pot.
In 1977, Tedward, like, got me, you know, a job at, you know, the Daily News and I was really, like, grateful, you know? I was, like, an intern and my, you know, job was, like, getting coffee for, like the staff, changing typewriter ribbons, and like delivering, you know, messages. Oh, and like sleeping with, you know, the editors was, like, a big thing… It, you know, wasn’t, like, in the, you know, job description, but it was, like okay with, you know, me. Then, I, like, you know, finished college, and like got, you know, married to this guy I met, you know, at one of those gang bang parties. Tedward walked me down the aisle, but, you know, he was groping my ass the whole time. I, like, didn’t mind, but, you know, I think my soon-to-be husband did…
Through my, you know, writing career, Tedward always edited, you know, my writings. This is, like, the first time, you know, he hasn’t, like, you know, edited my works. I wonder, like, how this looks, you know, to you. People say, I, like, say “you know” a lot, you know? But, like, I, you know, don’t think that, you know? So, like, you know?
Anyway, me and, you know, like, Tedward both supported Obama. Although, you know, we aren’t, you know, socialists, we couldn’t, like, support, you know, Hillary, because, you know, she wears the pants in, you know, her family. And, like, no one knows, like what that means. She also wears skirts, you know?. Obama, like, won. And then, you know, he appointed the woman-with-the-pants as, like, Secretary of State. Like, what kind of BS is that, you know? I, like, helped him pick his Vice President, you know? Obviously, Joe Biden was the, you know, best choice for the job. Shouldn’t, you know, I, like, get credit for that. Like, maybe a position on his Cabinet? But, no, he has to, you know, give her the job. That, like, really pisses me off, you know? So, like, I think I’ll stop talking, you know?
Signed, you know,
In Memory of Her Uncle,