|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
3 January 2013
BEAVER LICK, Kentucky -- As the financial crisis continues, one sector of the American workforce is showing its pluck and entrepreneurial spirit by incorporating the language of our hardened times into its vernacular: more and more male strippers are taking on the name "Physical Cliff", in reference to "fiscal cliff", the exciting economical word of the moment.
Physical Cliff, 23, Kentucky, told us: "I was working as Pistol Pete the other day, dry humping a bunch of businesswomen at their Christmas party, when I realized I wanted to do more when I stripped. I wanted to give my work a political edge, and the name just hit me when I made the only vaguely attractive one in the group lick whipped cream off my thighs."
Simiarly, Physical Cliff, 27, Georgia, said: "I was simulating fellatio with a veiled bride-to-be when one of her charming friends was like 'Shoot it over her! Shoot it right over the top of her,' and something about that image made me think of the country driving over the fiscal cliff. My girlfriend has a real talent for wordplay, so when I told her the story, she came up with the name. I ran it by my wife afterwards, and she liked it too, so I told my boss to order a new neon sign for my corner."
In a particularly bold use of buzz words and word-play (buzz-word-play?) The Horse Inn in Seattle employs two Physical Cliffs, and encourages its shrieking clientèle to 'double down' on them both.
Horse Inn madam Joanna Corey explains, "What we're banking on here is that the women who come to strip joints appreciate puns and political references. However, we are aware that this might not be the case for some clients, so our primary business plan remains presenting them with muscular men in small underpants and offering them the chance to simulate adulterous sex acts in a controlled environment. It's not like you're going to see Stephen Colbert with a dildo and a whip around here any time soon."