UnNews:'Niggers will steal our watermelons,' Australian government warns
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
4 October 2007
CANBERRA, Australia, GNN (Goanna News Network). Australian Immigration Minister Kevin Andrews has declared Australia's doors closed to black African refugees on the grounds that "These niggers will steal our watermelons. Also our chickens and possibly our bullfrogs."
Alarmed by the trickle of Sudanese immigrants to Australia in recent years, the minister, made famous by his Lego-man haircut and his reintroduction of lifetime serfdom in his previous portfolio as workplace relations minister, said that black African refugees also probably had AIDS and would chuck spears at each other in the street.
"We have to be realistic about this -- Africans are a bunch of backward, rural, godless cannibals and we can't afford to have any more of them coming into our proudly Anglo-Celtic country, especially with a federal election due in the next few weeks," Mr Andrews said.
"The important thing to remember is that most of the voters who live in the backward, rural marginal electorates that we need to win this election have never even met an African and so are rightly fearful of these jigaboos destroying the Australian way of life."
"I can't comment on that particular case because it's before the courts, so all I can really say is that the good old white boys who hanged that nigger probably had a good reason for it. He probably looked sideways at a white woman, for instance," Mr Andrews said.
"Give us your poor, huddled masses of De Boers and De Klerks," Mr Andrews quipped, improvising a sly wink to the acquiescent Murdoch press gallery.
The announcement coincided with the release of the government's new election slogan: "If you want a nigger for a neighbour, vote Labor".
Mr Andrews' oddly-misnomered Liberal Party government has had resounding success in vilifying immigrant communities in recent decades.
In the so-called "Sand-Nigger Election" of 2004, Prime Minister John Howard cruised to victory on the back of his claim that Iraqi refugees fleeing the Australian, American and British bombing of their country were terrorists who threw their children overboard.
In the so-called "Towel-Head Election" of 2001, Howard cruised to victory on the back of his claim that Afghan refugees fleeing the Australian, American and British bombing of their country were terrorists who wanted to grind Australia beneath the heel of Sharia Islamic law.
In the so-called "Gook Election" of 1998, Howard cruised to victory on the back of his claim that the descendents of Vietnamese refugees who fled the Australian and American bombing of their country were communists who would "steal and eat all our cats".
But Muslims and Asians haven't had the free political publicity all to themselves. Other community groups to have enjoyed the glow of the political spotlight in recent decades include the Italians ("They can't speak English and their food smells funny"), the Greeks ("They can't speak English and their food smells funny"), the Dutch ("They can't speak English and their herrings smell funny"), the Irish ("They're bog-hopping Papist pawns and they smell funny"), and the Aborigines ("these niggers will steal our watermelons. Also our chickens and possibly our bullfrogs").
In response to Mr Andrews' comments, a spokeswoman for the Australian Ethnic Advocacy Council, Ms Phuong Nguyen said: "Fair suck of the sav (saveloy sausage), mate! That Andrews bloke has got a roo loose in the top paddock, if you catch my drift. Any fair dinkum Australian will see straight through all his bloody bullshit and when the election comes he'll be cactus."