UnNews:'I Slept With My Mobile Phone'; woman, 14
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'I Slept With My Mobile Phone'; woman, 14
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 2, 2015, 21:33:UTC)(
7 August 2009
IN A SHOCKING REVELATION today, a fourteen-year-old has released a statement detailing what moral guardians have dubbed 'gross sexual acts' with a mobile phone.
It states that the woman (who cannot be named for legal reasons) was expecting a text message concerning a day out with her tree-hugger friends, but felt tired and wished to go to bed. However she 'couldn't just ignore my phone', and so took it to bed with her. Here begin the atrocities.
'To make sure' it woke her up, the young woman placed it on her groin, an act which the Pope has damned as being 'tantamount to masturbation'. UnNews can also exclusively reveal that her vibrate alert was on, making it into, in effect, a vibrator. When finally her friend sent her the message, she experienced 'deep feelings of pleasure quite unlike anything I have ever felt before, including the romantic date I had with that big, manly oak in the local park.'
In fact, she was so overwhelmed by this feeling that her reply was a babbled mix of 'ooh's and 'aah's. Her friend, who also remains anonymous, commented, 'I knew then that she was orgasming. I have never heard such sounds outside of my parents' bedroom!'
This act has caused the young woman to be thrown out of 'Tree Lovers Incorporated'. An investigation into her conduct has also begun, undertaken by several priests of her father's Church. They are attempting to prove that she was possessed by the Devil while doing this thing, and therefore will suffer no more than an exorcism.
- Tree Lovers Incorporated (archives)
- My own research