UnNews:“Kindergarten” Scissors cut down Crime
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Kindergarten” Scissors cut down Crime
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, September 5, 2015, 01:20:UTC)(
11 July 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
ST PAUL, Minnesota, In a recent poll conducted by the Minnesota State Police Department, 73% of all people interviewed in the poll responded yes to the question, “Would using kindergarten-style scissors cut down crime in your state?” Initially shocked by the results, which police first thought was an unfunny prank that slipped into the poll’s questionnaire, then responded by carrying scissors in the holster next to their gun and mace, “I never thought that scissors could be seen as a weapon in the war on crime.” says chief-of-police Hugh Cofferdam in response to the poll, “I guess the other 27% thought that this was a joke.”
"We will make far more use of this unrecognized 'tool against crime.'" Cofferdam said. "We are so impressed by this study that we intend to base all our training around kindergarten scissors. We think it will be particularly useful in hostage situations as well as unsolved murders." Cofferdam went on, "If California prosecutors had kindegarten scissor training they would have caught up with the real Nicole Brown Simpson killer."
States are following suite with a new campaign to have scissors in every policemen’s utility belt, titled "Kill Krime with Scissors”, funded by the Parents Against Ink.com in coalition with Safe Time At Recycle Centers.org.
In far reaching ramifications, the public reaction is so impressive that President Bush plans a new poll to inquire if Americans think KSSU -- kindergarten-style scissor use -- would make a difference in the Iraq War. If so, such a reaction by the American people could help bolster support for the unpopular war.
When asked for comment, former Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld said "I was around during WWII and we had no scissors and the war was just as unpopular, only we couldn't 'step off' or the Germans or Japanese, would have killed us all." But President Bush's new secret Defense Chief Michael Moore said, "It's worth a try. If it doesn't work we can always get out." Anti-war activist, Cindy Sheehan could not speak on the phone because she was taking care of Moore.
Presidential candidate and former Mayor of NYC Rudy Giuliani commented, "Why I knew this all the time. This is how I prosecuted the war against crime in NYC. It wasn't merely a matter as simple as changing demographics from massive population of violent teenagers to a more moderate older population nationwide. It was the Kindergarten style scissors!"
When Giuliani's remarks were played to Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House of Representatives and Harry Reid, leader of the Senate Democrats, both long opponents of the Iraq war, immediately agreed that "we should give it a try."
When reached for comment, former Vice President Al Gore, using Mayor Giuliani's remarks as proof, said that the power of his kindergarten-style scissors invention has been known for decades, but was "deliberately withheld from the public" by Republicans. "this was done to help their coprorate friends, including Haliburton." Gore also claimed that his invention "could also be potent in the fight against global warming, if only President Bush could understand basic science."
Upon further investigation UnNews has learned that the Haliburton Corporation has indeed been attempting to "corner" the manufacturing market of kindegarten scissors, but were having difficulties due to the simplicity of design and inexpensive cost to manufacture. "Every time we buy one factory, another small mom and pop producer crops up and we have to buy that one too. We're being bled dry," complained Mohammed Al Ahmed, Corporate VP in charge of Haliburton's kindegarten scissor project. When asked why Ahmed a devourt Muslim has chosen to work for Haliburton instead of being a terrorist, Ahmed said "I like the benefits. I can enjoy my 72 virgins now, while I'm still alive."
An investigation is being conducted to see who put the question on the national poll which goes out every year with the Presidential Rating Poll, but no charges are expected to be filed.