UnNews:Я люблю Линдси

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30 July 2010

Red Europe

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE SOVIETS COMETH!

MOSCOW, Russia -- The Soviets are back! NO, NOT SLIM SHADY! They are out to get you! No one can stop them and their communist revolution this time! Their leader, Some blathering psychologist guy who hosts some boring daytime television show guy will make us eat our own rags! Help us, Allah! Help us! Wait, commies banned Allah! Oh, no, I'm a lousy journalist and now I'm going away for a long, long time in the Stony Lonesome! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is that Elvis? Did he come here to save me? NO! HE'S THE DEVIL IN DISGUISE! NO! I'M GONNA DIE! I'M GONNA DIE! HELP ME, ALLAH! NOT AGAIN!

Now that I'm in a pickle sandwich for my transgression, please bail me out! I'll give you an all-expense-paid trip to the local McDonald's! Obama won't even bail me out! PLEASE! I'LL DO ANYTHING! WHOAAAAAAAAA!

What in the heck does the title of this article mean, anyways? Is it some sort of communist conspiracy? Or is it something to do with squirtable cheese? Nosehair? Ronald Reagan? Or something about something completely irrelevant to the article? I wish I would have paid attention in my college Portuguese classes. Or is the title in Spanish? Russian? Greek? Text Messageish? English? I DON'T KNOW! I'VE BEEN PONDERING LOADS OF TRIVIAL CRAP SINCE I'VE BEEN LOCKED UP! PLEASE HELP ME!

I died!

He's gone and I don't know what else to add. Please enjoy a hearty serving of Froot Loops!

Our reporter Jimmy was a good man. We hope he is happy up above. The news is over, you impatient little kiddies and please enjoy some American Idol rerun crap or that stupid Bachelorette or SpongeBob.

I'm proud to be an American where at least I know I'm free, led by a socialist guy with a fat mommy!

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AHHHHHHHHH! SOVIET FACT CHECKERS!

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