UnNews:"World a smoking cesspit," says Casey.
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"World a smoking cesspit," says Casey.
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, July 6, 2015, 07:47:UTC)(
2 June 2007
"The world is turning into a smoking, immoral cesspit." Says Louise Casey, the British minister for "Public Morals, Consumer Habbits and Bettering our Socialist Nation", a strong part of the Blair government. Louise expands on this, saying- "I feel disgusted, and I know others do, when walking on the streets of Britain- it feels like it isn't my home anymore."
Louise is just one of the many voices saying the same thing- both inside and outside the government. Their message is simple, if controversial- They believe that British dociety is no longer 'polite' enough for good, respectable, middle-class white people like herself. "I mean," Louise started, "Things are terrible. You can't walk onto the street without people dropping litter on you from apartment blocks, gangs of youths trying to steal your phone, wallet or clothes, people tipping their chamber pots on you, or people not addressing you correctly as a member of the upper class- of which I most certainly am."
Louise cites the reason for this drop in 'politeness' a a 'steady moral decay'. "This is all because of these liberals! People don't listen when we say that we need to lower the number of single parent families! We need to reinstitute traditional gender roles and we need to make it a crime not to go to church!" She went on, "This is down to things like falling education standards, the legalisation of gay partnerships, the democratic vote and France!"
France gave no comment.
This is sure to be a big debate in the House of Commons- though preliminary votes show a 68% vote in favour of forcing the population to use birth control at all times, to prevent the risk of creating a single parent family. Another preliminary vote- on the use of ASBOs as a form of payment in supermarkets- for the 'socially challenged' will be happening this afternoon.
Lousie Chavez' final comment was this- "Re-instituting good, moral values is the only way we can stop the spread of this horrid behavior. We alone know what's right, and we are determined to do it. We are the moral majority."