UnNews:"Tin cans and string" targeted by Army think tank
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"Tin cans and string" targeted by Army think tank
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 6, 2016, 23:16:UTC)(
26 October 2008
Secret, entirely barren room. The US Army, preparing for extremists to co-ordinate the next major attack on US soil, have finally identified the communications medium that enables these unacceptable acts. "A co-ordinated terrorist enthusiast is our worst nightmare, " explained high ranking Army officials, using Federal Express for the purposes of this interview to accent the severity of the current situation, "thus we have identified several 'communications medium' that must be regulated by the Army."
Perhaps the most important finding of the Army at this time is the nearly untraceable 'tin can' technology, created in America. Two or more terrorists can co-ordinate with each other using a length of string and the sound of each other's voice. Replaced in 1952 by the traditional three-way phone system that always includes a wiretapping agent on the line, tin cans have been largely disregarded as a way of overthrowing the present shadow government until now.
Terrorist operatives, using this method, have been reporting key information back to the Middle East such as the exact time of the LA earthquake and where the riot police are. So far, D.H.S. has been unable to do anything about it. A spokesmen explained, "The terrorists are clearly prepared. It's so frustrating! We can see them, talking on the tin can. We can see the exceptional length of taut string stretching back to the terrorist's secret hideout. But we just don't know what to DO. This is why we must double our efforts to be vigilant. Citizens are asked to stop communicating with each other until we sort this thing out."