UnNews:"Strike at Damascus" video game release to be postponed
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
7 September 2013
Debauchery is the producer of a highly acclaimed series of action games, boasting immensely successful titles such as Deadlock in Seoul, Pimpin' in Saigon, Trick-or-treating in Mogadishu, Party in Baghdad, Party in Baghdad II, Trouble in Kabul and its humorous spin-off Groping in Guantanamo.
The postponement seeks to fully benefit the upcoming release of the next gen consoles, which are expected to offer gamers a much more immersive experience by being able to support higher resolutions and frame rates than the current ones.
The company would have launched it by now — The engine is the same tried and tested one that was used for the previous titles, so there's no problem with it — but the game is being held back by its art studio in Europe whose manager has failed to hire enough graphic designers to draw the skins of the players. Most of the European artists have decided to turn down this project as a form of protest against the global policy of always releasing games and hardware first in North America and later in the Old World, because by the time they join in and start from scratch, the players in the old colonies have already ranked up, gotten familiar with the maps and unlocked several items, which gives them an unfair strategic advantage. Some blacklegging French artists have volunteered to fill the gap, but their expertise is limited to drawing white flags, so they won’t be of much help.
Soviet haxxors have also joined the protest for their own reasons. They complain that the PC versions that they are able to crack and play for free, are released much later than the better protected console versions and that the newer the games the more expensive is the hardware needed to run them, which means that they are forced to spend less and less money coming from the small pensions of their grandparents on booze. They are threatening that if this situation persists, they will flood the virtual battlefield with aimbots, wallhacks, speedhacks and other cheats that would make the game experience an unpleasant one. As always, nobody ever cares about them and rumor has it that a beta version will soon be launched, albeit without pedestrians and limited to rocket game play. It will be available online for 60 days, to be extended for some 30 days more if needed, until the full game will be ready for release.
Just as for the former titles, the location of the upcoming game was carefully chosen by the sheer beauty of the landscapes in that part of the world and the size of the oil reservoirs beneath them. Many cities that cannot qualify for hosting the Olympics would benefit from such an opportunity to showcase themselves to the world. Only the enthusiasm and the hard work of the locals has determined the producers to select Damascus over Tehran or Pyongyang, which have also been making tremendous efforts to attract the attention of the reputable North American game studio.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|