|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
30 May 2009
Beverly Hills, California - We've all seen them on the campuses of America. The young, vibrantly beautiful men and women in the top of their classes with high goals and the means to achieve them. The ones who soar through college like a rocket through the black void that is you and your plain and average peers. The ones to whom the world with all of it's opportunities and advantages are just waiting for them come graduation day.
Pity them, says Dr. Edward Dunci, a psychologist at Dorchester University. In a new study, and one that could only be funded by the government's National Institute of Mental Health, he has determined that the one's Cyndi Lauper called the 'fortunate ones' are anything but.
In heart wrenching interviews of these above average gods and goddesses, conducted a year after graduation, it was determined that many of them are sadly lacking in the things that truly make one happy. Meaningful relationships, knowing oneself and giving back to the community, were all things that these glittering glams lacked.
- Meaningful relationships: With the average in looks and wealth, such relationships are much easier. "They know that they must settle for whoever is dumb enough to have them.", reports Dr. Dunci. "Which breeds a long term stability that the rich and sexy lack. For the poor rich, they are stuck in an endless series of mindless one night stands or other short term relationships. Like models, actresses, college cheerleaders, Swedish bikini team members...the superficiality of these relations is quite wearying after a time."
- Knowing themselves: While most of us are blessed with having plently of time to learn of ourselves while standing in unemployment lines, aid offices, or even just while sitting in our cubicles or standing in an assembly line at some dead end job, not so for the rich and sexy. Dr. Dunci found that these disadvantaged elites were so busy making mult-million dollar deals, taking the yacht out for the weekend, or just relaxing at Hefner's mansion with a few dozen bunnies, that they didn't have time for the introspection so readily available to all of us.
- Giving back to the community: To often it's easy for the best of the human race to simply cut a check for the charities and outreaches that sustain the grunting and grungy masses (us). This hurts the upper classes in that they miss the experience that can only come from getting down in the trenches themselves. "Unless you've been vomited on by some drunk while dishing out soup at the local breadline, or changed the pants of some native in the Amazon who is suffering from terminal diarhea, it is unrealistic to expect to be happy. Those experiences are what add zest to our lives." said Dr. Dunci, while cleaning the toilets at CRAP (the Center for Rehabilitation and Aid to Prostitutes).
But what can we do, we who are the masses of manure that are good only for helping the flower of the rich and sexy grow? It was hearing this question repeatedly that prompted Dr. Dunci to start the Spoiled Children's Fund. "It's too late for the wealthy and beautiful amongst us, but perhaps there is hope for the next generation of the priviliged elite.", he says. "So I've started this organization, one which I expect to be liberally granted more of your tax dollars, to further my research of this desperately critical problem."
You can help, too, according to the doctor. Continue - or start - buying People magazine, or the National Enquirer. The rich and beautiful need to feel that they are connected to humanity, and seeing how concerned we are with the intimate details of their decadent lives helps in this. "By showing your driving concern for the latest divorce of some Hollywood starlet or Wall Street businessman, you are really saying, 'I care, and I want better for you'...this helps the ubermen and uberwomen above you.", says Dr. Dunci. "True, your individual opinion is meaningless, you mattering about 1/1,000,000th the amount of one of the elite...but there are actually millions of you poor and plain ones, so cumulatively, that almost adds up to three or four real people who really matter caring."
"Help them know themselves", continued the Doctor. He explained that by incessantly chatting on line about the activities of the upper classes, they can read those blogs, discussion groups and chats and see how they are perceived by others. Letters to the editor of the popular magazines help, too, as does getting twitters from and about them. This is important, as they only have their intelligent, ambition-oriented perspectives to guide them now, and a more pedestrian and trite insight, from the middle classes, can help greatly.
Buy a $500 plate at the next Celebrity Charity dinner in your area. True, that is a lot of money for a person devoid of looks, brains or success, but it will pay dividends in helping out those that are the only ones who ultimately matter - the rich and sexy. "When a starlet or businessman, or rock star or author, sees how many are willing to shell out what is for them a week's wages, just to eat tasteless and overdone chicken and hear them babble about rain forests, it really gives them a boost. It gives them an awareness that charity and aid to those far beneath them is good, else why would everyone pay so much?" reported Dr. Dunci.
Finally, Dr. Dunci advises that we should all join his "Spoiled Children's Fund", so as to prepare for the next generation of the disenchanted super rich. He reports that your ten dollar a month donation will go to lobby Congress to put pressure on the National Institute of Mental Health to continue to pour millions of tax dollars into grants to investigate this problem. "It is too soon to speak of an 'ultimate solution' to this", says Dr. Dunci, "But with continued grants, I can map out the full details of the problem, and then at least by our actions we can show the rich and sexy that we do care, and that there will be hope, if not for them, then for their perfect children."