UnNews:"One hu-man at a time" scheme dropped in favour of new stealth vehicle

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This article is part of UnNews UnNews Logo Potato1 Straight talk, from straight faces

30 January 2007

Denise Richards with headcrab

So poised and yet so dedicated!

BLACK MESA, Hollywood, Friday — Denise Richards met with Hollywood reporters yesterday to spruik a bold, new initiative by a consortium of Hollywood studios. In an attempt to recapture slipping audience numbers and reinvigorate the multiplex-cinema market, the studios are dropping their "One hu-man at a time" strategy and have opted for more subtle means of what she described as "customer retention".

Sporting an elaborate new hairdo, Denise Richards likened the strategy to a stealth vehicle. "Our benefactors in Hollywood," she spoke quietly over the shrill screaming of fans, "our benefactors have initiated this program to shake up the film-market and bring us all better movies."

When pressed for more information on this stealth vehicle, Richards stumbled: "You could say it's driving me — I mean, I'm driving it right now!" Then she smiled so hard that veins protruded from her forehead. No decision has been announced on an international right-hand-drive version of this stealth vehicle for the UK, Japanese and Australian markets or how this will affect the direction in which Zone 2 and 4 DVDs spin.

Richards, former wife of Charlie Sheen, then offered press-kits to awaiting journalists (UnNews got passed over, but we're not bitter, us and that tall guy from AICN) and instructed them to "wear the special cinema-going head— er, headgear and come on up for a private screening." She giggled coyly and continued, "You'll have to see it for yourself, boys — it's a whole new world out there!"

Brushing aside public concerns about her morbid weight-loss and memory-lapses at a recent press-junket, Richards endorsed the views of her agent, adding: "Reminder, memory replacement is the first step to rank privileges." For fans eager to learn how she stays in such great shape, she gave this simple advice: "Drink plenty of water; eight glasses a day or more."

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