UnNews:"Newspaper's are always right," announces Bush
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"Newspaper's are always right," announces Bush
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 20, 2017, 21:33:UTC)(
15 May 2007
Military base Backgammon, the Moon - It has been recently revealed by top sources in the White House that "everything you see in a newspaper must be true."
This statement came from a startled and confused race traitor, one Neocondoleeza white-as-boiled Rice, after reading a publication by the Imperial Times in which a cartoon at the back claimed that aliens were invading the sunken isle of New Orleans and could be preparing for a direct assault on Washington, DC. After his statement, the President promptly ordered a massing of the National Guard to enforce mashall law in three states and the total supression of unauthorized incoming or outgoing communications. Low level tactical airstrikes against the alien outposts of El Paso and Laredo are also under way.
Despite momentary misgivings within the republican camp, the cartoon's claims were quickly and incontrovertibly proven by some recovered bodies along the US-Mexicore galactic border. Though charred beyond any analysis whatsoever, former blackman Colin Powell's expert team of wild rumour investigators proved beyond doubt that the bodies were infact scouts of the coming invasion by the joint forces of Kanadii and Mexico Prime, mere star systems away.
Bush has announced the building of an Intergalaxial Ballistic Missile, which will be equipped with the only surviving Doomsday bomb. The device will be sent to the Giant Red Star in the primary Solar System of Kanadii. It will be detonated when it hits the inner mantel: the resulting explosion will ostensibly wipe the Kanidii out before they can launch another attack on the benevolent and peaceful nation of America.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|