UnNews:"Low Food" Diet takes nation by storm
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
"Low Food" Diet takes nation by storm
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, December 6, 2016, 18:12:UTC)(
28 October 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
A new, controversial "low food" diet is sweeping the nation, with many medical experts hailing the new diet as the healthiest, most beneficial diet plan ever, and many others expressing doubt and criticism.
Doctor P. T. Snikta, author of the aptly named The Snikta Diet, is considered to be the leading authority on low food diets.
"I based my book on research that was conducted in the early 70's and 80's that showed that people who took less food in their diet lost more weight than those who took in more food." Explains Dr. Snikta. "Study after study has confirmed these results, and these studies became the basis for my diet plan, which can be purchased at any book vendor for $24.95 (USD)."
The theory behind the "low food" diet appears to be sound. Medical professionals have known for well over a year that obesity is caused when ingested food is stored in the body as fat. Dr. Snikta contends that by reducing the amount of food, the body has less food to turn into fat. "Its simple physiology." Remarks Dr. Snikta
However, critics contend that the "low food" diet can be dangerous, and that Dr. Snikta is an irresponsible ass. "Dr. Snikta is an irresponsible ass." Claims Dr. Debra Pearsons. "People need food to live -- Obviously, if people eat less food, they will live less. The old adage 'Eat, drink, and be merry' may be cliched, but there is an element of truth to it."
Meanwhile, marketers and food manufacturers are jumping on the low food bandwagon with new "low food" products.
"Our Low Food Diet products have 50% less food than our regular products." Says Michael Dryden, CEO of Snackity Snack, Inc. "Like the Low Food version of our popular Snackity Snack Food Sack (a popular snack food). The 16 oz package only contains 8 ozs of snack food." Mr. Dryden claims "We can't make them fast enough! Sure they cost a little more, but its what our consumers demand."