UnNews:"Lack of oxygen causes death," says Coroner.
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"Lack of oxygen causes death," says Coroner.
Straight talk, from straight faces
Wednesday, September 2, 2015, 22:25:UTC)(
6 February 2009
LONDON, ENGLAND: Earlier today one of Britain's leading coroners suggested that all deaths were a result of the deceased's refusal to breathe.
When the Coroner, who can not be named due to legal issues, was questioned on what he meant he explained that he believed that the length of your life relies on how committed you are to it. "Dead people are only dead because they want to be," he exclaimed loudly, causing a few nods and one "Booo!" from the back row.
"People only die because they're either too depressed to breathe or they are in too much agony and decide to take their own lives." The Coroner has suggested that all people die ultimately of lack of oxygen, "Even if they have been shot in the head they can still breathe; it is those who are not prepared for such an event who end up forgetting their breathing exercises."
In his spare time, the Coroner runs a health class where his breathing exercises are key to the structure of the lessons. "He's very strict," said one 35-year old student, "We all have to breathe continually or we're sent to the naughty corner".
Although breathing is commonly thought of as an activity which the body is able to perform consciously as well as unconsciously, the Coroner disagrees. "At all times we are aware of our breathing pattern; even if we don't think we are because if we weren't aware of it, we wouldn't breathe." Many of the replies to this statement brought up the subject of sleep to which the Coroner shockingly implied that sleep doesn't exist, "We are awake that whole time!" he said, "But our breathing has relaxed us so much that we are not completely aware of it."
The Coroner has asked for a reprint of every single death certificate to have ever been certified on the grounds that not all of them will have the correct 'Cause of Death' which, in his view, is "Suicide" as breathing is not natural but, instead, a human mechanism.