UnNews:"If Glenn Beck had done it" to be released
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"If Glenn Beck had done it" to be released
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, March 22, 2018, 20:38:UTC)(
16 September 2009
Maryville, Alabama - An author identified only pseudononymously as "Jane X" may have just been awarded a fifty thousand dollar advance for her book, titled "If Glenn Beck had done it", in which she describes what her young daughter's rape and murder would have been like, if Glenn Beck had actually done it, and if she actually had a young daughter.
HarpersCollins may have plans to release this book by next spring, and may be preliminarily gearing up for an initial print of 500,000. The book may or may not go into details about the storm of controversy that has surrounded Glenn Beck of Fox News in the wake of allegations (possibly unfounded, but definitely undenied) that he raped and murdered a young girl in 1990.
"Jane X" is believed by some to be the allegedly deceased girl's mother, though Harpers has not confirmed or denied that. Nor confirmed or denied the validity of the story, or confirmed or denied whether this will be classified as fiction or non-fiction. Most disturbingly of all, though, Glenn Beck himself has confirmed or denied none of these details, which has many citizens quite concerned.
"This here thing is like that whole Obama birth certificate thing.", said Cletus Beaufort, "I think it was Bill O'Reilly who once pointed out that if Obama had nothing to hide, he'd come forward and deny it. So why don't Glenn Beck come forward and deny whatever he may have done? But this here book, now, well isn't that like a proof? Like when that OJ feller done told about his killings?"
Indeed, the similarities to this allegedly soon to be published book and O.J. Simpson's, "If I had done it" book are remarkable. In each case a man widely believed to have committed a crime describes how he would have done it if he had done it. Except that Glenn Beck is not - to our knowledge - going to have any authorship in this book. And except that the police have as yet been unable to find the body of anyone that Glenn Beck may or may not have killed.
And except that apparently police have not yet even started to look for anyone that Glenn Beck may or may not have killed, though as one police detective allegedly said, "That Mr. Beck won't come in and clear the air with us is of concern. As is his lawyering up and staying silent. Somewhere out there, a mom may or may not miss her daughter, and may or may not need a closure that perhaps only Glenn Beck could give."
Early excerpts from the book are possibly chilling, at least if they were in any way true. Strange rituals, drugs, underage teens, alcohol, guns, hot candle wax and strap-ons are all things that this book may or may not discuss, and may or may not be a prominent part of the sexual games that some may be saying Glenn Beck enjoyed.
Disturbingly, as of completion of this article, this UnNews reporter has received no confirmation - or denial - about any of this from Glenn Beck or Fox News, nor from any lawyers of theirs.
- Staff "The Left Creates Fake Glenn Beck Rape Document. You Stay Classy, Libs!". Stop The ACLU, September 3, 2009