UnNews:"Halloween II" Blu Ray and DVD announced; Rob Zombie retires
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
29 November 2009
THE STREET, California -- Sony and the homeless Weinstein Brothers have finally announced the long-awaited details of the DVD and Blu Ray releases of Rob Zombie’s ill-fated Halloween II, the sequel to his much more successful 2007 remake, Halloween. It took weeks to get all of the details, specifically the covers, but Sony has released the details and the Blu Ray cover, which is the Unrated Director’s Cut version of the film.
"Obviously, the Weinsteins were too poor to hire a professional artist to make the cover, so we here at Sony, pitched in to take a very recent photograph of Rob Zombie at his new home. It was a little difficult to find since he didn't have a phone, and there were too many other bums on the street to figure out which one was Rob," says Sony spokesman Rudolph Nitler. "A lot of famous celebrities live in that neighborhood -- people like MC Hammer, Oscar the Grouch, and Kevin Federline. We then did some GIMP work and added a picture of Daeg from his upcoming movie, Sebastian."
Nitler added that, "Rob worked his ass off on this Unrated Director’s Cut, making sure that Daeg Faerch would be re-inserted and his replacement, Chase Wrong -- er, I mean -- Wright Vanek, would be left completely on the cutting room floor."
Faerch, of course, is the former Young Michael Myers, who was unjustly fired after a week of filming on the sequel -- due to his height, age, and puberty being a concern to nobody except for Zombie, who promptly dismissed the young actor, thus turning the director into the biggest traitor since Benedict Arnold.
"I wanted to strangle the bastard," says Harvey Weinstein of Zombie, "and that sick son of a bitch bankrupted us! Nobody bankrupts the Weinsteins, and nobody fires nor replaces Daeg Faerch! NOBODY!!! By the way, can you lend me a $20? I need to buy some beer."
The DVDs and Blu Ray will consist of:
- Full-length movie (Unrated will have Daeg re-inserted and more use of the Halloween Theme)
- Feature-length apology from Rob Zombie (90 percent will be dedicated to the Daeg recast; while 8 percent will be focused on the lack of the theme music; the other 2 percent will apologize for the movie overall)
- Bloopers & Outtakes
- "Michael - Interior" featurette
- "What Was Rob Zombie Thinking?!" featurette
- Make-up Test Footage
- Captain Clegg and the Night Creatures music videos
- Auditions & Screen Tests
- "I’m Sorry, Daeg" feaurette with Rob Zombie, Sherri Moon Zombie, Malek Akkad, Bob and Harvey Weinstein, Chase Wright Vanek, and Daeg Faerch
- "How I Bankrupted the Weinsteins" feaurette
- Trailers and TV spots
- Deleted and alternate scenes
- Uncle Seymour Coffins Stand-Up Routines
- "Fans’ Reaction" feaurette
Other specs are awaiting confirmation.
- Aspect Ratio: 1.85:1 (1080p)
- Sound: Halloween and Daeg fans screaming "Why? Oh God, why?"
- Length: 119 minutes
- Languages: English, excessive French, and excessive Profanity
- Subtitles: English, excessive French, and excessive Profanity
- Format: AC-3, Color, Dolby, Subtitled, Widescreen
"I realized what I did with this film," says Zombie from his dumpster home. "I have enough balls to come out publicly and say that YES, REPLACING DAEG WAS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I HAVE EVER MADE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!!!" He then sobbed like a little girl for six hours straight. "I clearly had no idea what I was doing, and frankly, it cost me BIG TIME at the box office."
When the film opened on August 28, the film flopped hard, peaking at No. 3, barely making it to $30 million. The film left theaters after three weeks, and then the re-release in October failed miserably. To date, the film is nowhere close to the $80 million dollar worldwide gross of the previous film.
Zombie also announced that, largely due to the film’s historic failure, he would be retiring from Hollywood. "My career’s already dead," he stated boldly. "I’m a joke post-Daeg. And I wish to God I had NEVER, EVER have made such an asinine mistake that cost me my entire career! Fuck the Blob remake and Tyrannosaurus Rex and all of that shit! I am retiring, plain and simple. I realize that the only good movies I’ve ever made were House of 1000 Corpses, The Devil’s Rejects, and my first Halloween. This is the last you’ll ever hear of Rob Zombie."
Halloween II hits bargain bins, slums and discount variety stores January, 12, 2010.
- Joe Chappelle "Updated: Rob Zombie's Halloween II Dated and Detailed for Blu-ray". CNN, November 28, 2009