13 March 2007
PANOPTICON, Maryland -- In a discovery that relieved Christians everywhere, and proved evilution to be false once and far all, it was demonstrated that all birth defects and so-called "genetic" illnesses are actually caused by the baby sinning while in the womb. Details regarding exactly what crimes an unborn baby could commit were not released, as it was deemed that the information would be far too alarming to the general public. We were assured, however, that the offenses were very serious.
Following this announcement, all genetic and stem-cell research will be banned. Also, several groups are pushing for immediate prosecution of babies born with such defects, on the grounds that the defects are irrefutable proof that the newborn baby, judged in God's infinite wisdom, has committed some terrible crime. The reasoning being that swift punishment is the only way to ensure that the child's soul is saved, as it is too young to actually repent by itself. Opposition groups are arguing Romans 8:1 and saying this pre-birth-canal-sin is complete bollocks. However, these opposition groups are clearly supporting known criminals, and should be jailed for supporting criminal activity.
“Just goes to show there really is no God. If there was he is certainly hiding now out of sheer embarrassment at the handful idiots who presumably follow him.”author of the controversial book "The God Delusion and other Recipes"
Rumours have been spreading amongst the press of a planned so-called "Million Umbilical March" which will take place sometime in September 2007. This protest will apparently include parties from both sides of the delivery table.