UnNews:"Airbags must be filled with nails", Think! says
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|This article is part of UnNews||Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard|
24 September 2007
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Or the submitter will subvocalise your t-shirt!!!!!!
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WESTWARD HO!, ENGLAND - Think! has released a statement! outlining suggested amendments to driving laws, including plans to fill airbags with nails!, not air. The government will decide on whether this would be worth passing in the house of commons, depending on! ease of enforcement. A nail awareness week will be held last week by Think!, with "Panic! at the disco" providing needless music, and a host of theatre companies with exclamation marks in their names doing strange, modern, theatre interpretations of slow-motion crashes.
Pat Strudel, Public spokeswomanman for Think!!, said "There is a surprisingly logical reason for this move. More than a quarter of deaths in car crashes are caused by speeding. We have tried to reduce speeding, without success, continuously for about three times as long as cars have been invented. The only other way to reduce the percentage of deaths caused by speeding is to cause deaths by other means. Airbags full of nails that are primed to go off randomly at low speeds will ensure death occurs often in the presence of safe drivers." The whole three sentences were said in a raised voice, as if every word was followed by an exclamation mark. The woman then made several rude remarks about the Hamiltons.
The evil organisation, Think!!!1!1, told President Gordon Brown that "Unless the suggested amendments were passed, the market for cars containing headless corpses will stagnate". Quentin "Crisp" Tarantino was cited in reference to claims that multi-ethnic headless corpses! would also help end the hostility endured by owners of Dead Nigger Storage facilities from the black community. Panic! at the disco did not issue statements concerning their views, other than that enough views had been expressed already.
The issue! is not without it's opponents, as some are claiming that mass death debases the very ideals that Think!!!!!11!1! was founded on. Think! were already suffering under criticisms of their choice to use a recording of Wagner's Gottdammerung performed by Serj Tankian as their organisation's jingle on the radio and television advertisement campaigns. Cynical posts on BBC! news forums (which are two a penny) are fence sitting and indifferent. One poster (Surely, "I am a knob and I work for Private eye, the least funny thing you can possibly pay for", Ed.) wrote "Think!!!1!!!11!OMGWTFBBQ are clearly going the way of the galactic empire, but there are so many evil organisations in this post-McDonald'sburgerscontainHIVinfestedmonkeytesticlesgate era, that we might as well submit to the largest one and unite against the smaller radical groups, such as Think?!?. I recommend The Disney Corporation, or Microsoft.". Think!ng about it, that wasn't as good a post as I thought. But they basically said that they didn't really care.
Pat Strudel, Public spokeswomanman for Think!!, whom we have already mentioned, said "It's a face full of nails or 6 points on the license, you can choose".