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Friday, October 21, 2016, 22:19:59 (UTC)

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Chris Wallace
LAS VEGAS, Nevada -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) Presidential candidate Donald Trump, by all accounts winning the third debate, was stumped by Fair And Balanced® moderator Chris Wallace of Fox News.

Mr. Wallace asked, "Mr. Trump, will you react with civility when you lose the election on November 8?" The candidate refused to rule out flying a commercial airliner into the new World Trade Center. Full story»

UnNews Logo Potato1LOST IN SPACE
BABYLON 5, Cyberspace -- Twitter rolled out flashy new uniforms for its 60,000 employees who have face-to-face dealings with customers.

The move seems a desperate attempt to paper over the corporation's problems, including a data breach that compromised 500 million accounts, Congress's investigation of whether customers had additional Twitter accounts opened for them, and the fact that suitors for the company are dropping like flies. Full story»

Boris VR
LONDON -- Leading Brexiteers are cheering that the Oculus Rift is going wireless.

Boris Johnson has commissioned Virtual Reality gurus to pilot a digital overlay of Hackney as an international market full of Aboriginal didgeridoos and jangly Chinese plastic tat. London’s pixel-perfect streets will be lined with luscious oak trees, bursting with apples, bananas, coconuts and tenners. Full story»

Dancing Girl of Mohendro-daro
NEW DELHI, India -- Pakistan is demanding the return of the famous "Dancing Girl," just after India's notorious "surgical strike" across the Line Of Control.

Narendra Modi worried that the Pakistanis were contemplating a surgical strike of their own. However, the Girl turns out to be a four-inch-high (10.5 cm) statuette. Full story»

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Clowns are frightening citizens across America.

Clowns have traditionally spread laughter and gaiety. But they are now spreading terror, prompting city after city to pass ordinances against going trick-or-treating dressed as a clown. In the recent Vice Presidential debate, two clowns did everything but the old pie-in-the-face bit. Full story»

HAMBURGER UNIVERSITY, Illinois -- Besieged by the "creepy clowns" crisis, McDonald's Corporation told its face-painted impresario to "lay low" during the "current climate."

The chain was being "thoughtful in respect to Ronald McDonald’s participation in community events." Mr. McDonald will take care to avoid bringing handguns to celebrations and decline to initiate food fights or anything else that some might regard as a scary "prank." Full story»

FARMVILLE, Virginia -- Americans were bewildered Tuesday night, as the usual programming was replaced by a debate between two old white people no one had ever heard of. Political sources state that the men are the vice presidential candidates, though the sources could not remember their names either.

CBS News contributor Frank Luntz assembled a focus group of voters who watched the debate. Unfortunately, no one in the debate even knew that Clinton and Trump had running mates. Full story»

El Niño
UnNews Logo Potato1PLEASE!
ATLANTIC COAST, Florida -- As this unprecedented storm nears landfall, we are the last Respected News Outlet that has not cleared Page One for a story to nag the reader.

We cannot out-do Fox News anchor Shep Smith, who declared, "You and everyone you know are dead," but we implore you to leave your home and — after a quick stop at the supermarket to buy all the bread and milk you can fit in your trunk — travel to a motel in an adjacent city that the storm will spare even as it destroys your home. Full story»

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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights October 21

Opportunity Knox Comedy
ABC 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Accused murderer hottie Amanda Knox answers a roommate wanted ad from a retired Mars rover - hilarity ensues as they clash about everything from kitchen duties to panties drying on the deep space antennae.

Viral Videos ?
TBS 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Every supposedly hilarious you-tube video you've already been linked to one hundred times on Facebook, in case your day was not dreadful enough already.

TV Highlights Readers Documentary
Discovery 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
People who read the TV Highlights section.
No, you're not in it.
What, you think you're the only one who reads this crap?
Stupid narcissist.

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