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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard
Tuesday, January 27, 2015, 00:33 (UTC)
Greek Election
ATHENS, Greece -- Leftist leader Alexis Tsipras promised, after his Syriza party swept to victory, that Greece’s Archaic Period of antiquity "humiliation and suffering" imposed by oligarchs is over and a "Golden Dawn" had begun.

"By Zeus, today is one for the scrolls!” Tspiras proclaimed from the front of the Parthenon. Full story»

Obama bow
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) Obama will leave India early to detour to Saudi Arabia for the funeral of Abdullah — unless his scheduled golf game should require a tie-breaker round.

Scholars of Journalism listed many Historic Firsts Mr. Obama's trip will achieve, including being the first to praise Saudi Arabia as a moderating influence in Arabia, in remarks to be delivered at Blood Libel University. Full story»

State of union
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Barack Obama wrote his own State of the Union Address, taking inspiration from great speech writers, such as Toby Ziegler, Will Ferrell and Barack Obama.

The President honed his vocalization to emphasise his pseudo-passion, dispassionately. He went on to promote his own agenda, which is to launch a pop music career. Full story»

Clock face sm
CHICAGO, Illinois -- The Doomsday Clock, one more stopped clock added to the rather large number that already existed, has been reset to 11:57, although there has been no plausible explanation of how this clock's time relates to that of the clocks that the real mass of humanity watches.

Neither has the apparent immunity of this clock to things like daylight saving time and leap seconds been explained. Full story»

GLASGOW, England -- Junior technician Peter Woodlouse has managed to slow down light not just in water or glass but in free space — by playing The Endless River, Pink Floyd’s latest album, in a room full of weed smoke.

Mr. Woodlouse said he was “stoked” when a non-ionising photon stopped for a brief chat. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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This day in 2014

TV Highlights January 27

Jesus Slaps the Shit Outta _____. Fantasy
EWTN 6:00 PM EDT/5:00 CDT
This week's guests: American Catholic Bishops.

Spanish Inquisition Game
HIST 6:00 PM EDT/5:00 CDT
Betcha weren't expecting this.

Test Patterns Art history
CBS 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
In an effort to boost ratings, the network replaces one of its several crime dramas with an hour long slide show of test cards used throughout TV history.

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