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Friday, October 24, 2014, 08:54 (UTC)
Cup holder
DETROIT, Michigan -- Automotive engineer Kevin Blaser has received the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize for suggesting that the new, all-aluminum, Ford pick-up truck get two coffee-cup holders in its tailgate.

Ford rushed his suggestion into production without the usual four-year design review. He is confident the indentations will not be hard to clean and will not attract corrosion, as there are no lakes anywhere near Detroit whose water is salty or occasionally sprays up. Full story»

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Barack Obama has opted to put "boots on the ground" after all, calling on veteran singer Nancy Sinatra to donate her old boots to "throw at the fanatics."

Sinatra's old Top 40 hit, These Boots Are Made for Walking, will be blasted through loudspeakers as the old footwear is dropped on ISIS. If these run out, the Philippines will supply Imelda Marcos's confiscated shoe collection as a backup. Full story»

CHICAGO, Illinois -- President Obama has voted here, using his ability to make excellent decisions before the facts are in, as when he decided that authorities "acted stupidly."

But many blacks may shun the election, and Mr. Obama called on them to "find cousin Pookie....grab him and tell him to go vote," which many in the dwindling audience evidently left to do. Full story»

Matzah Ball Soup
WIKIA CITY, California -- Computing giants Facebook and Apple will offer to freeze the eggs of productive female employees.

The move will let them keep their tits their noses to the grindstone, cranking out web pages and policy manuals and filing complaints about the cafeteria food throughout their productive years. Then they can have a baby at age 70, and hire someone who can actually bear it, nurse it, pick it up, and remember its name, and might adopt it when they die when the kid is 5. Full story»

JACKSONVILLE, Florida -- A Florida man has been sentenced in the death of a fellow Floridian over loud thug music.

"Florida schools teach never to criticize a driver for loud thug music," the prosecutor said, "because the driver is often a loud thug." That was true in this case, and shooter Michael Dunn "put him down." Judge Russell Healey told the shooter, "Your life is effectively over," as the prison ritual includes a regime of desensitization through constant exposure to loud thug music. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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This day in 2013

TV Highlights October 24

The Real Scottish Referendum Documentary
BBC 1 7:00 PM GMT
The BBC reveals that only 1% of the population support Alex Salmon in the Scottish referendum. (Despite the fact that the BBC is a public service the government has in no way biased the making of this documentary).

Panorama Investigates:Does Scotland actually Influence Great Britain? Documentary
Channel 4 8:00 PM GMT
A Channel 4 reporter goes undercover disguised in a kilt to interview Scottish people and force them to tell C4 that they are unemployed.

Argentine Invasion of Scotland Plans Revealed Documentary
Channel 5 5:30 PM GMT
Channel 5 gets a new insite into the real Argentine motives as it covers an unemployed ex-Admiral of the Fleet who wants a war so that he can have an excuse to get his job back as he campaigns to prove that Argentina is still a threat to the nation.

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