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Wednesday, August 31, 2016, 06:54:59 (UTC)

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Donald Trump by Gage Skidmore 5 (cut)
CAPE CANAVERAL -- In the wake of NASA's declaration that there is an Earth-like planet orbiting Proxima Centauri, Donald Trump promised a large crowd of supporters in motorcycle leather and farm overalls that he would "suit up" as well, and be the first President to campaign outside the solar system.

It is not clear how many votes Proxima b has in the Electoral College, but it is so big and dim, to stretch the Trump analogy, that the newfound planet could have liquid water, enabling cash bars at countless Republican cocktail parties where concerned voters could meet and be enthralled by the candidate. Full story»


PensionersMoney
LANCASTER, England -- Millions of UK citizens are withdrawing their state pension early and storing them in soon to be negative-interest bank accounts, fearing the Conservative Party may use the money to fund a new campaign to keep Britain in the EU.

Think tank Codger Watch published a study that 95% of those who withdrew their pensions early also voted for Brexit, citing problems on the continent that bear no relation to the problems about to be caused by moving £23 trillion on a whim. Full story»

Captainpurple01
JACKSON, Miss. -- Nigel Farage threw his support to Donald Trump as America's best at vague anti-establishment bluster — during a speech where Trump disavowed vague anti-establishment bluster. Farage's remarks could net Trump all of the U.K.'s votes in the Electoral College.

Trump now suggests that millions of Mexicans could actually stay in the U.S. permanently, and Mexico will pay for that too. He was to set out his complete policy Thursday, "very firmly," just like the last one, but that speech has been postponed. Full story»


OlympicUKflag
LONDON –– Social media has deemed MP Heather Wheeler’s British Empire remarks ‘politically incorrect’.

After the Empire's Olympic medal haul at the Rio Games broke a long-standing record, Conservative MP Heather Wheeler shared her joy on Twitter. Twitter users formed a bandwagon to condemn Wheeler's comments as ‘anti-EU’. Full story»

BlackFlintstones
HOLLYWOOD, California -- Amy Robach ignited a firestorm on Good Morning America for using the term "colored people."

She apologized to a traumatized nation: "I mistakenly said ‘colored people’ instead of ‘people of color,’" she insisted, which would have been very different. Full story»


Robotdriver
DETROIT, Michigan -- Ford Motor Company has modified its self-driving-car project to concede that more than half the world's drivers will want a dashboard switch with which to set the self-driving car to emulate a woman driver.

Artificial intelligence will let it quickly decelerate from 70 mph to about 5 mph whenever there is an accident on the other side of an expressway, and the chance to catch a glimpse of limbless bodies and spurting blood, plus a special Attack Mode enabled when competing for empty parking spaces near malls. Full story»

John Hinckley
WILLIAMSBURG, Virginia -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) John Hinckley, the man who tried to shoot Ronald Reagan, was spotted by the Daily Mail outside a Subway store near here.

The 61-year-old was freed from Mount St. Elsewhere on August 5 with no conditions on his release except that he have no contact with the Reagan family — which is unusually difficult, these days, in any case — but not barred from contact with fast food, despite the nation's "Let's Move" campaign. Full story»

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In the series premiere, scientists talk about shit.

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