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Friday, September 22, 2017, 03:00:59 (UTC)

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Ship conkers 2
COPENHAGEN, Denmark -- Maritime magnate, Maersk Shipping, have been promoting “ship conkers” as a viable alternative to oil and gas charters. The change of tack is in reaction to the collapse of the offshore oil industry and draws on a children’s favourite autumn playground game, as the framework for a new business model.

“Efficiency drives have forced us to sack all our experienced marine personnel — who, let’s face it, have done nothing for the last three years but hand our money to whores in Aberdeen," said a spokesperson, "this has allowed us to replace them with office based social media savvy trainee graduates , whose heads are full of fresh ideas and L’Oreal hair clay." Full story»


Diana
BIRMINGHAM, United Kingdom -- A "sense of humour" has been described as an unnecessary and "frivolous" luxury in a survey published today by the Chambers of Mirth. The inability of dry and/or witty remarks to stop North Korea shooting missiles over Japan airspace is seen as the latest example of the inability of humour to materially affect world-affairs.

No area is suffering more than the humble internet dating profile. Such has the currency of the sense of humour been devalued, it is now on average rated lower than "looks", "salary", "number of eyes" and "favourite swan". Full story»

Broken clock
LONDON, United Kingdom --A shocked population has discovered it is already September even though it didn't seem two minutes ago that it was Christmas. The movement of time has been faster than expected for the fourteenth year in a row, with 2003 being the last year where things moved at an appropriate speed.

It's predicted that time will again briefly slow down in October as, well it's October, before speeding up again in November when people start getting excited about Christmas, not getting excited about Christmas or getting excited about the fact people shouldn't be getting excited about Christmas. Full story»


01 brits abroad
BRUSSELS -- British pensioners who have retired to other EU countries will be able to continue enjoying year-long NHS waiting lists for liver transplants and malignant mole removals post-Brexit, after a deal was agreed by negotiators in Brussels on principal healthcare.

Under the new deal, older expats will still be long dead before it is their turn for age-related operations, and while the NHS still believes that when it comes to timely treatment, laughter is the best medicine, European heart patients prefer statins. Full story»

ICBM 2
UIJONGBU, South Korea -- After a surprise North Korean ICBM launch at night and from an unexpected location, tensions rose to a fever pitch on the Korean peninsula.

Fearless Leader Kim Jong-un railed on in a 2-hour speech about how close the missile had landed near North Korea, and how this was a provocation that could not be ignored. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights September 22


Quinn the Quantum Guy Children
Nick Jr. 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
If you read this, you cannot watch the show. If you watch the show, you cannot have read this.

Product Testing Lab Documentary
Discovery. 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
Minute examination of how products are tested. This week: Preparation-H.

Repeat of 1960s American Drama Drama
CBS Action. 5:00 PM GMT
This week Captain Kirk meets Walker Texas Ranger in NCIS for the showdown of a lifetime.

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