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Wednesday, October 29, 2014, 19:00 (UTC)
WALLOPS, Virginia -- Visitors to the NASA facility here were treated to a surprise unexpected pre-Halloween fireworks show using a private-enterprise space mission and old souped up Soviet Lada car engines, as a rocket destined for the International Space Station (ISS) blew up on the launchpad.

For once, NASA is not to blame for the unmanned screw-up. Full story»

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Barack Obama has opted to put "boots on the ground" after all, calling on veteran singer Nancy Sinatra to donate her old boots to "throw at the fanatics."

Sinatra's old Top 40 hit, These Boots Are Made for Walking, will be blasted through loudspeakers as the old footwear is dropped on ISIS. If these run out, the Philippines will supply Imelda Marcos's confiscated shoe collection as a backup. Full story»

Obama laugh
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Obama is still uninfected by Ebola, which means the nation is safe. He gave a scripted hug to nurse Nina Pham and this time, no wise-ass growled at him, "Don't be touching my bitch."

The U.S. borders remain wide open, but the CDC is giving all arrivals from Liberia a notebook, a thermometer, and a box of Q-Tips with which to monitor themselves, unless they want to fly to Chihuahua, Mexico and walk across the unguarded southern border. Mr. Obama declared that the Ebola virus is a "junior-varsity disease." Full story»

OTTAWA, Ontario -- Canadian authorities say the week's two jihad attacks do not appear to have anything in common but are "lone wolf attacks" and possibly cases of "workplace violence."

Jihadist Michael Zehaf-Bibeau seemed agitated when he couldn't get a passport. Members of Parliament, after a five-minute standing ovation, began debating whether the Passport Bureau should be streamlined for loners with numerous drug arrests whose hobby is holy war. Full story»

Cup holder
DETROIT, Michigan -- Automotive engineer Kevin Blaser has received the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize for suggesting that the new, all-aluminum, Ford pick-up truck get two coffee-cup holders in its tailgate.

Ford rushed his suggestion into production without the usual four-year design review. He is confident the indentations will not be hard to clean and will not attract corrosion, as there are no lakes anywhere near Detroit whose water is salty or occasionally sprays up. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights October 29

No One Is Watching Government
C-SPAN 2:00 PM EDT/1:00 CDT
Why on earth are you even reading this? You KNOW damned well you are going to click over to USA for "Law & Order: SVU" without even checking this out. That's what everybody does. Why should you be any different? We could put on footage of Richard Nixon doing the Obama twins, and STILL no one would see it. Go watch something else. Anything else. NOW.

The Nazi Eaters Documentary
A&E 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
People eating fascists.

Topless Doctor's Office Reality
Showtime 3:00 PM EDT/2:00 CDT
Attractive women agree to let cameras into their mammogram sessions. Adult program

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