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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard
Saturday, September 20, 2014, 18:31 (UTC)
New NFL logo
BOSTON, Massachusetts -- The first two weeks of NFL football have seen a rash of injuries — mostly, hyperextended self-righteousness.

NFL stars stand accused of spousal assault, child-beating, letting the SUV engine idle, and failing to take a clean plate on each trip to the buffet. Commissioner Goodell has avoided watching incriminating videos, so as to reactivate players after token lifetime bans. Full story»


Braveheart
HOLYROOD, Scotland -- The failure of the Scottish independence vote assured a relieved United Kingdom that it will remain free to work the usual intractable problems rather than confront an entirely new set.

Gordon Brown inspired his fellow Scots with his vision of union: 'There is not a cemetery in Europe that does not have Scots, English, Welsh and Irish lined side by side.' Full story»

SalmondBeastie1
HOGWARTS, Scotland -- There was dancing down the cloisters as top magic school 'Hogwarts' confirmed they had beaten something even more horrible than Lord Voldemort: The Salmond Beastie.

Plans to move Hogwarts to a theme park near London will be 'reviewed' if another Beastie returns. Full story»


Lavainseam
ÞORBJARGARHRAUN, Iceland -- As the eruption of Iceland's Bárðarbunga volcano continues unabated, volcanic gases have triggered public health emergencies across much of the country.

The team's new chemist, an arctic fox carcass named Siggi, whispered, "Keep your head down, the Patriksfirðingar are approaching," while smearing activated carbon from his smashed air filter on his face as war paint. Full story»

WalMart service
BENTONVILLE, Arkansas -- Gigantic retailer Walmart cracked the whip yet again on its indentured "sales associates," by dictatorially requiring them to dress appropriately for work.

The creativity-killing ukase replaces the typical garb of a Walmart "associate," which was a T-shirt with playful slogans such as "Occupy Wall Street" or "Look for the Union Label," or photos of Che Guevara sure to elicit smiles from customers. Full story»

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About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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This day in 2013

TV Highlights September 20


Jesus Slaps the Shit Outta _____. Fantasy
EWTN 6:00 PM EDT/5:00 CDT
This week's guests: American Catholic Bishops.

Spanish Inquisition Game
HIST 6:00 PM EDT/5:00 CDT
Betcha weren't expecting this.

Test Patterns Art history
CBS 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
In an effort to boost ratings, the network replaces one of its several crime dramas with an hour long slide show of test cards used throughout TV history.

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