UnNews:Main Page

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Redirected from UnNews
Jump to: navigation, search
UnNews Front Page

The news outlet with approval higher than Congress

UnNews Logo Potato
Friday, November 24, 2017, 09:47:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

LOS ANGELES, USA -- Fallen film bigshot Harvey Weinstein is currently being erased from Hollywood history following allegations that he was an overt exhibitionist, groper, wanker and serial donor to the Democratic Party. Weinstein has denied everything except the last charge.

A former friend of the stars, Weinstein has become like American version of Jimmy Savile. Everyone apparently knew in Hollywood that Weinstein was an active user of the casting couch, the massage bench and the shower hand shandy. Unlike Savile, Weinstein is still alive but is now likely to be housed in the Prison Celebrity Wing of San Quentin State Prison, alongsideBill Cosby (when convicted) and Mel Gibson (anti-semitic rant pending). Full story»

LOS ANGELES, USA -- The oldest bunny hunter in the world Hugh Hefner has died. The aged lothario who once boasted he had slept with 1,000+ women, died surrounded by a bed full of weeping blondes as his twitchy nose stopped moving.

Hefner is considered a pioneer in Pornography in that he presented his pictorial offerings in the same style as Esquire magazine sold cars, suits and other luxury items. In Hefner's case what he was offering was an airbrushed pneumatic blonde - often an All American model - to offer up her breasts for examination by men and be rated. It was a successful formula at the time and though the religious evangelicals and others considered Hefner an emissary of Satan, Hefner had started a business that was making a lot of money out of sex. Others were soon to follow.. Full story»

Kiddie burqa
RIYADH, Saudi Arabia, -- Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud, king of Saudi Arabia, has shown his wisdom and foresight by allowing the women of his kingdom to drive. This revolutionary change in policy was recently announced to the world, demonstrating that "progress without change" has taken a new direction. Saudi women have been freed from the requirement to have a man drive them around all the time. While this may not seem too much of a burden to high school girls, it has led to much discontent among the more heavily clothed of the kingdom.

Women are now allowed to drive around the harem in specially approved cars, affording them the opportunity to enjoy the cool Saudi breezes rushing past their faces. They can also learn the rudiments of controlling a vehicle, something that women may find particularly difficult if they live in Saudi Arabia. Full story»

New pound coin
Portmeirion, North Wales -- The deadline has passed for redeeming the old pound coins with an estimated 500 million still in circulation. The changeover was made necessary because the old coins were easily faked. This was evidenced by the recent arrest of a notorious ring of 3-year-olds in Milton Keynes, who were caught with over 750,000 counterfeit pound coins and the Play-Doh press used to make them.

This was after last December’s mass arrests of several hundred children who suspiciously still had Jewish surnames, who were caught with gold-colored fake pound coins. "They’re only chocolate. It’s a Hanukkah tradition", claimed Rabbi Daffyd Llewellen while hanging upside-down from his personal waterboard. All are currently being held in a re-opened Maze Prison, awaiting execution for blasphemy, namely eating unsanctified chocolate during Jesus’s holy days.

Exchequer for the Treasury Roman Artyukhin noted, "This situation is wholly acceptable in that most of the pound coins around are fakes". Full story»

ROME, Roman Empire -- Sources at the Imperial palace claim Roman Emperor Clueless Effin Moronero Trumpicus (aka Caligula) is not sick, mad or borderline loony tunes. Caligula's chief of the Praetorian Guard Johannes Kellus says these stories have been out by the Roman Senate which he says 'everyone knows is full of back stabbers and gut rippers'.

Kellus replaced dyed-in-the-wash Rince Priebus after the latter was sacked and decapitated for 'failing to adhere to the Emperor's expressed infallible wishes'. Other recent staff replacements/executions have included Michaelus 'Mad' Flyntus, Anthonius Idiotius Scarimuccius and Stevanicus Phallus Bannionus. All had once enjoyed high favour with Caligula but had fallen foul of the Divine Trumpicus disappointment. Now Caligula has said he wished the Senate had but one neck so that it could be chopped off. Full story»

Trending Now
Second Front Pages: BrexitHillary!TrumpUK 2015 electionGreece

Write a new UnNews story:±

UnNews needs you! If you've got an idea for an article...then sod off and type it into Minitrue. But if you can actually write a complete story, then enter the headline in the box below, then click the button to create your own UnNews article!

Read Me FirstFrom the ChiefStyle GuideNewsroom

Minitrue ± What's This?

Recent UnNews Audio ± Podcast | Archive.

About UnNews
Created by the Uncyclomedia Foundation

UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

Current event marker

Today...only, four years ago

TV Highlights November 24

Jesus Slaps the Shit Outta _____. Fantasy
EWTN 6:00 PM EDT/5:00 CDT
This week's guests: American Catholic Bishops.

Spanish Inquisition Game
HIST 6:00 PM EDT/5:00 CDT
Betcha weren't expecting this.

Test Patterns Art history
CBS 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
In an effort to boost ratings, the network replaces one of its several crime dramas with an hour long slide show of test cards used throughout TV history.

Personal tools