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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

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Tuesday, July 28, 2015, 18:27:59 (UTC)

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Sewel
WESTMINSTER, London -- Lord Sewel insisted that video footage allegedly showing the Peer snorting cocaine off two prostitute's chests was merely a misinterpreted "family video."

Sewel added that, despite these accusations, he has no intention of quitting his position as arbiter of standards and conduct in the House of Lords. Full story»

Mitch McConnell
WASHINGTON, D.C -- The U.S. Senate met in a rare Sunday session so that both political parties could show they had not grown rusty at hypocrisy.

The occasion was the highway spending bill, on which both parties were allowed amendments. Republicans got to vote to repeal Obama-care, as it had been weeks since such a vote. Like the previous four dozen votes, it had no actual effect. Democrats, for their part, revived the Export-Import Bank — then resumed bashing the rich. Full story»


Martin O'Malley
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- (Gnome-speakernotes listen) Both U.S. political parties are racing to get a handle on an annoying spate of candidates speaking plainly.

The issue came to a head as Democrat Martin O'Malley improvised at a #BlackLivesMatter rally, declaring that "white lives matter." However, the Republican Party is also in turmoil, as Donald Trump said Mexicans who violate U.S. immigration law might not have the nation's best interests at heart. Full story»

Ant cartoon
NEW YORK CITY -- The Superhero world is in deep shock this morning as one of the planet’s very first — but until recently, mostly unknown — superhero Ant-Man was tragically burned to death by a 500°C. heat ray of focused energy directly from the sun yesterday.

On the verge of being the first superhero from the formicate insect family to become a household name, Ant-Man stood no chance as seven-year-old Zach Thompson incinerated the compact crime-fighter with a magnifying glass as he was transiting a garden patio in a Brooklyn suburb. Full story»


Tsakalotos
BRUSSELS, Belgium (updated) -- Eurozone ministers have turned the relative molehill of a Greek bailout deal into an Olympus-sized mountain that is straining the very foundations of the European Union.

On the brink of making their first-ever right decision, the EU quickly returned to form by arguing about national agendas, backstabbing and general divisiveness. Full story»

A14965461098200973A
PARLIAMENT, UK -- Culture Secretary John Whittingdale unveiled the Conservative Party's white paper on the BBC, saying it should not continue to be "all things to all people," especially now that there is a white paper that is.

But shadow culture secretary Chris Bryant claimed to be mystified by Government's proposal. He said the nation should be free to continue enjoying great presenters such as Jimmy Savile (pictured). Full story»

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UnNews is a service of Uncyclopedia that spreads misinformation and cons the public into swallowing it hook-line-and-sinker (and worm), by guilefully making it resemble authentic news articles. UnNews stories use satire to ensure the most unfair and biased reporting possible. Full story»

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TV Highlights July 28


'George the Edgy Children
Disney 8:00 PM EDT/7:00 CDT
"George Does Drugs" George is offerred drugs, and forgets that winners don't do drugs.

Holy Shi.... Shit Fiction
ShiTV 4:20 AM weEDT/3:20 CDT
In the series premiere, scientists talk about shit.

South Park Adult Animation
Comedy Central 10:00 PM EDT/9:00 PM CDT
Timmy

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