UnMovie Review: The Dark Knight
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Jake "Big Daddy" Kronegger
"Normally, the ol' ball and chain and I leave the kids with my parents when we go to the movies. It doesn't matter what movie we go to, really, as all we do is make out, if you know what I mean. Yep, just like the old days, back when I had a Camaro and a full head of hair and before the kids arrived. Since the wife and my mother opted to stay home, it was just me, the kids, and my dad on this particular Kronegger family adventure. I dropped them off at the megaplex..."
"...then I sped off to the sports bar and got wrecked. Puh-lastered! Smu-hashed! The local professional sports team was playing, you see, and I had bet this month's mortgage payment that they'd beat the spread. They didn't, unfortunately. Or, they might have. I was too drunk to really remember the details. Or, come to think of it, remember the big picture either. Maybe I went to the peeler bar instead. That would explain the pastie I found in my pocket. In any event, I later came to in the drunk tank at the police station. Some guy was licking my face. The odd thing is this isn't the first time that this has happened to me. It's how I met my wife, actually. In truth, though, I licked her face. Of course, that was back in college. God, I miss my Camaro."
"The seats were uncomfortable and the floor was sticky. A soda and a box of popped corn for the youngest cost me eight ninety-five. Back when I was a lad, that would buy you a fistful of penny whistles, a pocketful of liquorice whips and a copy of the latest Yellow Peril! pulp novel. The movie itself was all explosions and car crashes. How come they don't make movies like Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer used to? Nothin' beat a good Mickey Rooney comedy. That little guy sure could dance up a storm. The musicals I miss most of all. He was probably in a few of those. My memory isn't what it used to be. And what ever happened to Cary Grant?"
"...and people don't wear proper hats anymore. When I was younger, we'd dress up in our Sunday best before goin' out for a night on the town. Singin' in the Rain sure was a nice film. Why don't they make them like that anymore? It had both singing and rain. For two bits, you couldn't beat a bargain like that! Films these days got too many colors, too. Back in my day we didn't need no orange or blue. Fire was gray, sky was gray, and we were happy, damn it!"
James "the eldest son" Kronegger
"So the 'family unit' decided that we would go see a movie. After we 'voted', Mom decided to stay home with grandma, watch Steel Magnolias together, and cry. Her 'excuse' for not coming along was that she was on her period. She calls it her 'little friend'. Blech. My last girlfriend once told me about them. I nearly barfed! I did so have a girlfriend! You don't know her. She's from Canada. Mom said that she was on her period a couple of weeks ago too, when the 'family unit' went to the monster truck rally. Moms have got it sooo easy. They don't have to go to work or school or anything. If they had to be teenagers for just one day, with school and homework and sports and tightly managed cliques and a crushing sense of suburban ennui, they'd snap from the pressure, probably."
"Needless to say, the idea of spending a whole evening with the 'family unit' would kill me inside, so I smoked a bunch of pot before we set off for our 'family' adventure. Dude, seriously! A ton of pot."
"Well, I got mixed up in the crowd at the megaplex, lost track of the 'family unit' and wandered in to what I thought was the right theater for Batman. Boy, was I wrong. For the first hour or so, it was just a scene of a men's washroom. During the second act, some guy came in, peed, and left. Then another did the same thing. And another. The fourth guy peed, washed his hands, and left. One guy tried that blow dryer thing. After a minute or so, he gave up and wiped his hands on his pants. Then he left. In the last act, a bunch of people came in all at the same time. All peed. Most didn't wash their hands afterwards. Then they left. I'm sure that it will clean up at the Oscars."
John "Johnny" Kronegger
"We totally saw Batman! It was awesome! Batman rode a motorbike and a car and the car turned in to the motorbike and it had the Joker in it and he had a knife and he held that chick and he was all Why don't you smile more? and then he smacked a guy's head on a pencil and the guy died 'cause the pencil was, like, stuck in his head and the Mob was mad at him and then he left. Then he totally used a rocket launcher on an armored truck and he crashed it and he flipped the semi that he was driving over. Really completely all the way over! Then Batman fought some guys and he was all throwing punches and kicks and that black guy who played God in that movie gave him better armor and it had these cool blade things that shot out and Batman went to Japan or China or some place to catch this Asian dude who took the Mob's money and they hired the Joker, who is all crazy and stuff, to kill Batman who is Bruce Wayne and he drives a Lamborghini and a truck hit it but Batman was okay and he had a butler."
"Then the Joker goes to jail and Batman hits his head on a desk and the Joker is all Hey! You totally hit my head on a desk! and Batman leaves and that girl who looks like a turtle was blown up and some other guy also and the Joker leaves jail after a fat guy with a phone or something in his belly explodes and he asked a guy to smile more and he used some wires to make a helicopter crash and he put some bombs on some ferries and the people on the ferries found out that there were bombs on the ferries and they couldn't get off the ferries that had bombs on them and they voted not to blow up and I had to go to the baff-room, 'cause Grampa bought me the biggest Coke you ever seen and also a big tub of popcorn which I spilled on the floor and my brother was in there and he was just staring at those things on the wall that you pee in and I washed my hands 'cause I ass-idumply touched a girl on the playground and she had cooties and when I came back and sat down and watched the movie again there was this guy with a burned face on one side and you could see his eyeball and it was lookin' around and the other side of his face was okay and he was in a car with a guy and, get this, he totally shot the driver and he put his seatbelt on and it crashed and then Batman beat up some more guys and the burned guy threatened to kill Commish'ner Gordon's kid who had a dumb haircut and he asked the guy not to and then Batman pushed the guy off the edge of the building and the guy was dead and then he captured the Joker and he was hanging upside down and Batman ran away then it was over. Yay!"
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