From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“I was pleased as punch when Nell said that they were going to make an "oongowowa timba" of her life and she wanted me to write the yule-yule pah!”
Nell is a 1994 movie, based on a true story starring Jodie Foster as a wild child running amuck in the North Carolina woods. The movie co-stars Liam Neeson as the good doctor and Allison Angram as the bad doctor (spank her she’s been really, really bad) who fight for control of her immortal soul.
The movie was to have been directed by its star [[|Lesbian|Jodie Foster]], however once in character, none of the cast or crew could understand a word she had to say.
- Nell: Jodie Foster
- Good Dr. Lecter: Liam Neeson
- Bad Dr. Nellie Olsen: Allison Arngrim
- Judge Reinholt: Jud Reinholt
- Ma and Pa Ingalls: Michael Landon and Karen Grassley
- Waitress with a Heart of Gold: Miss Formica Dinette
- Townspeople: Everyone Else
Nell is a story of a young woman who is raised in the forest by a single mother, played by Cheetah. Mother, who dies before the story starts, is the one in the household who has contact with the outside world as a Women’s Professional Candlepin Bowling Association champion. She shields Nell and her identical twin sister Llen from the forces of civilization (and polyester bowling lanes).
When Nell’s mother and Nell's sister are killed in a Candle Pin Bowling accident, and after mourning them by eating their corpses, Nell finds herself alone, and because she has only developed the languages skills of a Martian, finds herself unable to do the simplest things – including the placing of a call to order a Pepperoni Pizza.
Enter into the story Dr. H. Jerry Lecter (Neeson) who is the good doctor intent on understanding Nell, her veal-like body and gummy mouthed utterances, and Dr. Nellie Olson (Anrgrim) who wants to first exploit Nell, before cutting open imbecile's head so she can eat the freak’s brains while Nell is still alive.
- If we put Nell on the couch and ask her why she hates her mother, we would agree - as Freud would point out - that the story takes Piaget’s theory of the “Wilde Child” (or Child of Oscar Wilde) and converts it to its serialized harmonic themes and desires into a parable for our modern time. When watching this poignant story of a backwoods nymph and how she changes not only the world around her, but her own world as well, the cinema goer should ask themselves “Is just one toaster enough?” and “At what point – down to the exact minutia does fulfillment cross over to gluttony?”
- We might also ask ourselves why does Nell only have one name? Is it to force the question that in our most natural state that one name of suffice? Or is inner lusting after the type of star power enjoyed by Cher, Beyonce and Roseanne?
- The movie, howevers denies Nell’s real sexuality, which she has been fulfill through the natural practice of Masturbation – HAH! There, I said it: MASTURBATION! Hah! There, I said it Again! Naughty bits, naughty bits, naughty bits.
edit What the critics said
“Not since Joan Crawford starred as Trog have I heard lines like these!”
“Jodie Foster again elevates the lowest form of acting to high art. Buy the soundtrack and be sure to play it backwards!”
“I found Jodie Fosters acting to be of the highest caliber for a white woman – but had they cast Me in the role it would have been empowering and affirming, and it would have been the feel good movie of the year”
“I like the Nell very much, and it would be nice to have her as a friend and honor her with a Hello Kitty doll”
edit Quotable quotes
Christopher Walkin (uncredited as the Pizza shop owner): Mama Leoni’s Pizza, what will it be?
Nell: Chick-o-pea, chick-o-pea; tata’s.
Walkin: One medium pizza with a double helping of garbanzo beans and Tattor Tots – you want a side order of wings with ‘dat?
Lecter: Nell, how can I get you to understand that Dr. Olson wants to turn you into an even bigger freak that you already are and I just want to eat you alive?
Nell: Bien sûr je sais, obtient votre tête de votre derrière! Kel vos! Kel stupid!
Olsen: Nell, what would you do for a Klondike bar?
Nell: Fra De? Snørt med Arsenic jeg tror!
Olsen: I’d like to see that, wouldn’t you?
edit Now Playing
3:30, 6, 9:30 and Midnight (GMT) at Lowes Old London Tower Towne
1:00, 5:00 and 7:00 (EDST) at Regal Cinema's 128 Screen Theatre, Succotash Square, Quad Cities, Iowa
7:00, 10, and 12:30AM (JTZ) at Shigeckko Cinema and Fresh Air Hi Hi Bar, Tokyo.
Channels BBC7, CBS and BET, 7:00PM Saturday (Check you local listings)