UnBooks talk:Papyrus Containing The Spell To Preserve Its Possessor Against Attacks From He Who Is In The Water

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--SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 15:15, 24 April 2009 (UTC)

edit thoughts from gerry, take 2

  • the new format is unnecessary, but if you really want it that way it's not disruptive or anything. this would work fine either as it is or as a normal article.
  • i think you should drop the abbreviation from the intro, whereas you do not abbreviate throughout the rest of the article. it seems like the kind of thing that should not be shortened. perhaps you could say something to that effect. why italy?
  • 'so one had have his eyes popped' is not very clear. also, 'eyes popped' is not a very common expression.
  • what happened to the 'hacketh off thy phallus' stuff?
  • 'They failed, all failed. EPIC FAIL' seems a bit forced.
  • ra was killed by a sniper...in 758 bc?
  • i love the magical falafel line.
  • the nephran-ka paragraph is about 60% the name of the scroll.
  • the peasant and pharoah stuff is pretty much just repeated. try throwing some new details in if you're going to tell the same story again.
  • i liked the idea of the priest having his eyes removed against his will better.
  • the cleopatra part is pretty good, but the foursome seems kind of immature. might they be there for another reason?
  • similarly, the rat up the ass seems a bit unnecessary.
  • the christopher columbus section is a bit random, with the things columbus says being very off-topic. try to make this section a little less random.
  • placing yourself in an article is always frowned upon, and pleading for VFH votes in an article won't stand. you have to remove the last section and the link to your userpage.
  • overall, the humor was mostly pretty good. humor=7.
  • the concept was a good one, and executed fairly well. concept=7.
  • the formatting was fine, if that's the way you want to keep it. the prose wasn't good, you should get it proofread once you're done with it. p&f=5.
  • the two images you have are good. yu need several more for the length of your article, however. perhaps more things in the water or a pharoah. images=5.
  • overall, i would say this article would score in the low 30s. it's nearly adequate; to get to that stage and beyond, try beefing up some of the sections that are a bit short. see if you can make it a little less random, and most of all, spend some more time on it. read HTBFANJS for some inspiration, and good luck. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 21:13, 30 April 2009 (UTC)
    • I liked the old format better. It's kind of disruptive how the borders constantly alternate and don't really match. And there's really no need to put all the headers in separate boxes. I'd prefer if you just put everything in such a yellowish box with black borders, the text colors and such can remain the same. Sir SockySexy girls Mermaid with dolphin Tired Marilyn Monroe (talk) (stalk)Magnemite Icons-flag-be GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 06:57, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
      • there, it is done. ive spent the last hour or so fixing it up, so i hope you like it. Gerry, i worked per your advice and i think it is time you give it one last proofreading. Socky, here is the old format, hope you like it now. You two, feel totally free to edit and add images. I want a fucking feature for fuck's sake Egypt_orb_spinning.gif 08:05, 1 May 2009 (UTC)

edit Thoughts from the smarter, sexier, more Italian version of Gerry

Okay. I'm here, yo momma is queer, what do you want me to do? Che 15px-SBQ3.JPG } 03:45,7November,2009

Get writing, bitch FreddThe Redd 22px-Flag_of_Egypt.png 18px-Foxicon.png 05:40, November 7, 2009 (UTC)
Ho scapato tua madre nel culo... Che 15px-SBQ3.JPG } 14:33,7November,2009
T'arriere est rouge. Start writing, fag. FreddThe Redd 22px-Flag_of_Egypt.png 18px-Foxicon.png 14:39, November 7, 2009 (UTC)
Sorry about not really getting anything done here. I guess I'm not that great at collabs (and the fact that I can't even write a new article of my own doesn't help). Che 15px-SBQ3.JPG } 20:20,17December,2009

edit So far...

The second person voice bugs me. It reads like a choose your own adventure novel or a text based game. I would expect to see this as a game or an UnBook rather than mainspace as a result. The second thing is what is the source of this? Where is the inspiration? What is this a parody of? The title says to me egyptology, Indiana Jones, death metal, witchcraft, and role-playing games. It is not a cohesive title, and as a result it needs a cohesive article to bring it together. Pup

Hmmm... An UnBook that parodies egyptology.. Sounds good.. Ok. FreddThe Redd 22px-Flag_of_Egypt.png 18px-Foxicon.png 07:28, November 9, 2009 (UTC)

edit Pharaoh Anastomoses

Good one, lol. I particularly hate those things. --~Scriptsiggy.JPG 15:23, November 14, 2009 (UTC)

Oh Yes, the good ol' days.. It was my first month or so, when I heard the word from an anatomy professor and immediately though "Why, this sounds like the name of a pharaoh, I'll use it sometime".. Good ol' days :) FreddThe Redd 22px-Flag_of_Egypt.png 18px-Foxicon.png 15:58, November 14, 2009 (UTC)
My professors pronounce it like "uhnastumosys", which sounds nothing like the name of a pharaoh. I didn't do them until a few months ago, and it sounds like you're totally old. I think I'm a year older than you by age actually. --~Scriptsiggy.JPG 19:00, November 14, 2009 (UTC)
My professors pronounce it (anastomosis) in a similar manner, too. It's the plural form that caught my attention. And yes, I like to sound totally old. :) FreddThe Redd 22px-Flag_of_Egypt.png 18px-Foxicon.png 19:14, November 14, 2009 (UTC)
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