UnBooks talk:Little Yellow Wong
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edit Pee Review
Was submitted to pee review back before it was an unbook.
~ 08:36, Jun 26, 2010
I laughed when I read it the first time, but not the second and third and subsequent times, if that means anything. I thought it has greatly improved from when it was a one page format, when I didn’t laugh at all and thought it was crap, even though they’re the same jokes. It's surprising what good formatting can do. I only give "8"s when an article strikes me as absolutely brilliant stuff, so don't worry that you didn't get an 8. It's just my personal preference cuz I feel that racial humour, while being very funny, is very easy to do. Ok, enough about that. And I know what follows is mainly criticism, but if I didn't mention something that means its good.
Page 1 - The way you just slap on your source of parody seems a bit unfinished. Some unbooks have an introductory passage where they explain their source of parody, with some jokes thrown in to make it less boring. This is what I think you should do. Like this. I think it'll be good for people who are not familiar with the book and couldn't be bothered clicking on the link. Or it can just be used as a quick overview for people so that they don't accuse you of writing an article that requires prior knowledge of something. In terms of more concrete suggestions, maybe you can put the pic of the kid on the left, and a box for your “intro”. Or a box for your “intro” with the kid under it. Or just write the intro under a level 2 section heading. I don’t know what would look best so make sure you use the preview button.
Page 9 - I think this has continuity problems towards the end. I don't understand how running around a gong makes you "a ring", "wee" and "far away". Did they move the gong while running around it, or something? And also you never mentioned that they took their clothes off to run (and for what reason?), so to have LYW suddenly say "why have you taken off you clothes etc" comes off as a bit odd to me.
Page 10 - I recommend you remove the word "stereotype" and any other words that have the same effect. This loses the subtly racist feel of the original and feels like you're trying to hammer the joke in.
Page 11 - "Let's just eat and ignore the fact that I've wandered buck naked throughout the streets of Tokyo all day" - since you mentioned it in a previous page, hammering it in again here is a bit, well, repetitive. I liked it here better, though, so I suggest you remove the previous one that is a footnote, which looks horribly out of place in a children's book. I also don't like your ending. It's like making a sarcastic remark, and then saying "by the way, that's sarcasm".
Other comments - Some other stuff that I liked are certain traits of Asians that are not from the standard list of Asian stereotypes, but they are definitely stuff that only Asians have. Like stress reliever balls and acid breathing transvestites and bonsai. That makes it fresh. This is good, because I almost don't get the feeling of "I've heard this before". I like it that you keep your stereotypes not so standard but there are certain parts where it does get pretty standard. It's ok if you only have a few though.
|Concept:||8||It's good that you have such an appropriate source of parody that can generate humour all by itself. I think it is important that you keep the children's book feel, and that means you have to sound like you're racist without knowing it (just like your source of parody). Which means, as I've said, avoid hammering in jokes and explaining your jokes. The contrast between the innocence of the children's book and the racism is a very good source of humour. Another thing about keeping the children's book tone is to keep the sentences short and the vocabulary simple. This is pretty important here and you should go through the article to look for long and complex sentences/words and trim them down.|
|Prose and formatting:||7.5||Prose and Formatting complaints:
Formatting greatly improved the humour for me. I think this is my own bias, in favour of an article that looks more "professional". I think you page numbers need to be in boxes, though. Atm it looks a bit haphazard and incorrectly aligned. Don't ask me how. There's a guide somewhere but I can't find it. Or just find some page with that kind of formatting and copy it. It also really irks me how you don't capitalise "Previous" and "Next".
wasn't she pleased! - use "?"
Well, it is a personal preference of mine that all the images in my article have the same theme, colour hue, brightness and approximate size. I'm not kidding. I'll actually go and change the "hue" of an image if it doesn't actually fit with the rest of the pictures. Not that it matters in terms of VFH, I'm pretty sure. Some articles that in my opinion have horrible image choice and synchronization pass VFH in a few days. So, if I were the writer of this article, I wouldn't go with your choice of image, not because they don't work, but because of my OCDness. That's an indirect way of saying that you can keep most of your images, but you can change them for a different look or "harmony" that may or may not affect your humour value. Like humour, the selection of images is subjective. Just experiment and see what you personally prefer.
Page 3 - This is an image that I feel is a bit "out of sync" with the rest of the book. It is not "innocently (or subtly) racist" but "blatantly racist".
Page 10 - I also don't like this one. It looks out of place and is very obviously a political cartoon. It got me distracted cuz I was trying to figure out its original message. I also don't understand why black kids have tigers.
Page 11 - While we're at it, I'm also not very fond of this image. It looks a bit generic imo, like it's from the "list of Asian stereotypes" that I mentioned earlier. Also, the caption hammers in a 3rd time that LYW wasn't wearing clothes.
|Miscellaneous:||7.9||Not 8 because some things needed to be fixed. Especially the intro and formatting of the page turners.|
|Final Score:||39.3||Blah blah talk page blah blah.|
|Reviewer:||~14:33, Jun 26, 2010|