UnBooks talk:I don't feel well
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|Humour:||6||Eh, Lollipop, I don't think I've ever reviewed any of your articles so be warned that my Peeing style is trying to give as much suggestions as I can, feel free to follow them or not, they could spark some good ideas! Maybe. I also like to whine a lot.
I like the childish tone of the article, but I think the narrator could definitely express himself with longer sentences and fancier words a bit. There are also passages that are lacking jokes. Let's break it section by section:
I like the false link to Lady Gaga. I also like the WATER joke, but as I said earlier, the paragraph would benefit from reworking the sentences a bit to make them longer and a tad more complicated. Ideas: replace that sentence "That felt better" with "I thought I'd become a dragon for a minute there." See, the tone is still childish, it just is more appealing for the reader I think. You can apply that to numerous sentences throughout the article. You also say 2 times exactly the same sentence: "my head is beating really hard". Either scrap one of them or replace it by something like "My skull is going to crack wide open". I think the lenght of the intro is good, and its lulziness is not bad.
" Maybe some Tylenol will help me" is not funny or setting up a joke. Maybe instead he could take is mom's medicine and mistakingly take her contraceptive pills.
I can't call Mom
The concept of the stabbing is good, nice twist. I'm also all warm inside that you put some French in there, namely the automated phone message, but it doesn't do the article any good. Even for bilingual people, there's nothing funny there at all, it's just a translation. It would be funny if the translated message would say something totally different than the English one, but still only bilingual people would get it. You definitely should get rid of that. You also should get rid of this: "It didn't even let me leave a message!" Not funny, and the story doesn't suffer at all if it's not there.
Lol at the dad joke. You could however change the age to like 10, since a 5 year old doesn't go to school, and is much less able to get laid, but if you like it this way... This passage could use lulzy expension: " hope they don't think I'll kill them. Even though I will...soon" Maybe you could start talking about that sadistic dream the guy had, preparing a bloody assassination, then stop abruptly at the climax of the murder with "I'm getting off-topic here". Also, it's great you remind us the bloke is not feeling well at the end of the paragraph, but maybe you could do it in a funnier way. "BUURRP! Ohhh, I thought I'd spill all that disgusting mix on the floor."
I am not feeling that much better
I think the phone call is pretty damn funny until the cop idea pops up. I don't quite get it... He thought he was talking to his father and he was talking to a cop? I think the average reader will be quite confused there, you should make that clearer, or it's gonna mess a good paragraph. You could also put that sign (") when the guy is starting to talk to his father and at the end of the dialog. Also, go for longer sentences as I said earlier, like here, only a comma replacing the period will do the job: "Last time this happened I swallowed my vomit. Although it tasted bad." There's almost 10 sentences in the last 2 lines of the paragraph, it's like a 200 meters street with 10 stop signs. But this section has a whole lot of potential.
Then again, this section is not bad at all, but suffers from too shortish sentences syndrome. It would also be funnier if the guy was really phased by his vomit and shit, which he doesn't seem to be much. He could say he never saw that much vomit since embarking on the rollercoaster at the fair! LOL This passage could be trashed in my view, or reworked to be funny: "I'll go to the foster home. I hate this stupid place, last time they made me wash the filthy bathrooms with a toothbrush and do 5 sit-ups a day." Nice false link at the end.
Nice title to continue the story. But this section is pretty much unfunny, sorry, the only joke I can see is " I'm not a doctor. I hope I'll be one." Maybe some people appreciate the total randomness consisting in throwing your ass down a flight of stairs to punish yourself while cops are banging on the door, but to me it is just a little too much... Maybe he could have tried to escape by the backdoor, but slid in his own vomit and shit while running resulting in these injuries?
Suggestion: "OWWWW! Shit! My leg is hurting! I never endured so much pain since that time when my parachute malfunctioned!" Note that I changed "stinging" to "hurting" since you're gonna be talking about the stinging in the next section. Remember: fewer repetitions will improve the article a lot!
My leg and ribs
Funny reference to Steve Irwin, keep the red link since it is 100% guaranteed somebody will write an article about him. "My leg might be broken" Well, we kinda guessed it by now, you could say something like: "Is it normal that my leg has 4 knees? I don't think it's supposed to bend that way." Something like this.
You'll have to rework: "If I didn't decide to be stupid and jump off the banister of the stairs" if you follow my suggestion to change the way the guy injured himself, which I really, really think you should.
"The puke and shit room": you say it 2 times, but this is a case where a repetition is really funny. lol You could even go for it a 3rd time. I like the ending of that section.
I like the sense of urgency throughout this section, though there's hardly any jokes. Also, "I can hear the garage door opening" sounds better. I don't know much what to think of that tickling discovery... Maybe he could just vomit again on the cop that discovers him? "Sorry, officer"
This has not been a good day
Epic and interesting endind, I really was glued to the PC screen, but there is hardly any jokes there at all. "Maybe if I move one, I could" One what? I guess it's a leg, but still... Maybe it could be explained a little better that the guy just went through the doors and he could also roll on the asphalt on his stretcher, going down a hill, being lucky as hell as he narrowly misses every car at some intersection down the hill lol. There is a lot of possibilities with this I believe. I think the final sentence is alright, it makes for nice storytelling to repeat the opening. But still, this section is missing lulziness, if you don't take my suggestion and develop it, I think you should find an element like this to add funniness to the ending.
|Concept:||7.5||The concept is great and I like the fact that a lot of elements are resurfacing briefly later on in the article, like the kid getting stabbed. The phone call also has a lot of elements that make the article hold very well, since it relates to a lot of things you discussed earlier. Even in the passages that didn't contain much jokes at all ( there are some!) I was still pretty interested in the story, I hope the average reader will be too.|
|Prose and formatting:||5||I like the childish tone throughout the article, it is different and makes it entertaining. I understand that sustaining such a tone implies using simple words, but I really think that you should try to find some synonyms instead of repeating over and over the same simple words, such as "feel" in the first paragraph (11 times! New World Record!). Rework that by tweaking the sentences ("The sensation is...", "My head will split open any second", "my stomach is revolting", "Hopefully, I'll be able to dance the <insert ridiculous dance> after drinking this). Really, the "feel" repetition takes away from what could be a good introduction.
There are some other instances like the one I just talked about, remember that an online synonym dictionnary is really useful.
Also, there seems to be very few typos, I corrected 2. On the formatting side, it's all good.
|Images:||5.5||#LOL, this one is definitely awesome because the caption is so good. Maybe you could go with an earlier date though?
I think the article could definitely use another one... Maybe relating to cops, maybe to an ambulance accident, but there is ample space after the second and last pic to add another one.
|Miscellaneous:||6||Pretty much the grade I'd give the article as of now, but there is potential. 6/10 for now.|
|Final Score:||30||As I just said, there is a lot of potential in this article and the main ideas are already there, the main things to be improved would be to make longer sentences while keeping the childish tone, an explanation about the phone call/cops affair, reworking the passages I talked about with some more jokes and adding a lulzy pic. Taking the suggestions I laid as exemples could help, I am sure. And also don't expect to rework this for half an hour and have a gem. Personnally, I spend hours (I think) retouching the article after it is "finished", changing a sentence there, a word there, checking to see passages that lack jokes, etc. On Pee Review, I make suggestions on the fly, but it's your job to adapt it to the article in the most lulzy way, if you take it at all.
I know you can do it Lollipop, and feel free to contact me anytime to help you with advices or just to tell me how retarded I am! As you said, I also think this is the best chance you have at a feature from what I read of you so far, just take time to work on it.
|Reviewer:||Mattsnow 01:57, September 20, 2011 (UTC)|