UnBooks:Travel guide to California
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
California is a small penis shaped planet right next to the planet of Viagra. It used to be a state in the USA but when the Gay Wars happened in 2015 the San Fransicoins took it and moved it far away and reshaped it into the their favorite toy, the dildo. California's moon is in the shape of an ass in remembrance of the founding fathers' favorite pasttime.
Being the plastic and soulless cesspit it is, California had no history at all prior to 1992. Willing to change all this, Los Angeles resident Rodney King rounded up a few of his close friends and a camcorder to film some pranks and make a quick buck on Candid Camera. The most notable being the 'Police Brutality' scene, where Rodney's mates dressed as police and kicked the shit out of him on a residential street, this quickly went viral and caused an uproar within the ethnic communities, who could not see the humor in the footage and went on the rampage in downtown LA. King later condemned the actions of these people as he didn't know how much of an impact it would make. Once peace was restored, the governor of the state erected a statue of Rodney King in the LA Civic Center, after he finally written the first chapter of Californian folklore.
Baker capital of the world. Ruled by the dictator Dwight Yoakam and vice dictator Buck Owens. Where the movie Attack of the Bakers was filmed. Also an early headquarters of the medical marijuanna movement. Slogan: "Get Baked!"
Catalina Island is an awesome vacation place in California. It has great radioactive fishing, snorkling and kayak trips. There is also a new feature called walk under-water; in which you wear a helmet that allows you to walk underwater. If you want to come to Catalina there are many 2-star retirement hotels, Chinese restaurants, shops, and you can check out the Historical District that shows you how Catalina was founded; by the Great Fire Storm of 2012.
Scenic city near Burbank. Has fifteen five-star resorts, championship golf, the Encino Lakers,the House of Usher,the Encino Circus, the Roman toy store and Aztec ruins. It is a fabulous city with movie star mansions, restaraunts, shopping, convenience stores and weed farms.
This is where the Mona Lisa was painted and is home to air Fresno. It is now the home of George Lucas. In the early 1900's it had a famous baseball Team called the "Fresno Raisin Eaters" The main attraction of Fresno is that it is about halfway to both San Francisco and Los Angeles and the fact that it has no yogurt since there is no culture in the San Joaquin Valley. The Armenians used to be a major part of the population but the Mexicans ate them all.
In 1848 many people rushed to California's "Gold Country", including Calaveras and Amador counties as well as other two bit mud hut places you've never heard of. They came to frontier the land and to claim stakes in the gold mines and get rich. However, they were all eaten by a Grue. No one lives there now.
Long and Short Beach
These cities are famous for their beaches, ‘nuf said.
In 1956, the Short Beach City Council passed an ordinance banning all shawtys from the oceanfront. A landmark Supreme Court case in 1994 (Scopes Monkey Trial v. Barack Obama's Teleprompter) overturned the law, with Justice John Roberts ruling that shawtys could go to the ocean, "as long as they are right and tight." (Roberts, 1994)
This city, set on a scenic island in the Pacific Ocean, is known for Hollywierd where movies are made. If you don’t know where you are see the sign. It is also home to giant records, huge doughnuts, big gum and a shark also is home to the infamous hotel chandler which often sells guns to its guests.
Famous people William Shakespeare, Logan St. Claire, MC Hammer, Harrison Ford, Al Gore, Jesus, Ernest Hemingway, Andrew Jackson, King Tut, King Toots, Moe Syslak, Cap'n Crunch, Tony the Tiger, Snap, Crackle, Pop, Count Chocula, Toucan Sam, Lucky the Lepricauhn, Charles Darwin, Leo Tolstoy, Louis XIV, Harry S. Truman, Ryan Styles Harry S. Falsman, Captain Hook and Mary Poppins
This is home to a famous nude beach. Many visitors mistakenly believe this means that they can disrobe there, which frequently leads to their arrest and subsequent rectal-probing by the CHP and local law enforcement officials. In fact, a nude beach is one without sand.
Oakland is a lush forest.
It is also known as being the statistically safest place in the world, with the world's lowest crime rate.
A suburb of the San Francisco Bay Area. Technically not part of California, but Californians are not aware of this fact. They refer to Oregon as "that bushy place up north, where we dump all our trash."
After Scott McKenzie recorded the song "If You're Going to San Francisco (Be Sure to Wear a Flower in Your Hair)" (with the assistance of Michael Jackson), every freak, yuppie, and insurance agent dropped what they were doing and moved to the city by the bay. This drove average rent prices from $3/month to $1.1 million a day, overnight. Two days later, in 1961, priced out San Francisco residents moved to a barren tree-lined wasteland they named "Oregon" (an Anagram of "San Francisco," and a favorite dinner spice).
A pushy New Yorker named Robert Moses tried to turn Oregon into Los Angeles, including a network of over 4000 miles of freeways, and a second "Hollywood" sign. Residents started an anti-"Hollywood" sign revolt (mischategorized as a "freeway revolt.") In anger, Moses left the state, never to return. Oregonians vowed to never build a new road again, which is why most Oregonians take mass transit or ride in covered wagons along dirt trails.
Minigolf capitol of America. Has lots of palms, lots of springs. Come for the sugar; leave for the lack of irrigation.This is where circus stars go on vacation. It has 500 malls.
Adult oriented theme park with rides like its a small world, spice mountain, matterhorny, quake, mad hatters erotic tea party, pantsless pirates of the cairless-bean, flesh mountain, haunted strip club, Castle Wolfenstein and the rabbits’ house. Watch fireworks at the castle on Nude Street USA.
Actually in Nevada but who cares. Sitting below a scenic hill not too far from Lake Tahoe, this city is known for its beaver bashing festival, water-skiing over the rocks in the too shallow Truckee River, cookee cutter malls, car and refrigerator museums. This city also once had casinos mostly run by slimey itallians or other old time gang Gangsters but imploded on itself as soon as the Indians "cut them off at the pass" by building their own casinos just across the state line in California. The casinos now serve as convention sites for groups like the 7th day Advantists and other child molester friendly groups. Reno had gay people but they all moved to San Diego. It is now the worlds capitol for bad modern art. It also has great ski resorts and most of its fabulous architecture has been imploded to make room for more Krispy Kreme and Walmart outlets. There is a semi secret organization of terrorist anarchists in the city using the pseudonym "Sheep Dippers" that threatens the very fiber of civilization. The hold recruiting extraveganzas in Sparks Nevada every January to add to their strength. THEY MUST BE SOUGHT OUT AND DESTROYED!!!! To Counter this threat the E Clampums Vitus Vigilantees have promised to attack the Sheepdipper headquarters as soon as the Clampers sober up.
What to do: Fill up on gasoline before visiting Virginia City, eat a Super Burrito, watch airplanes almost crash when landing at the Cannon airport. Shoot meadowlarks in Pyramid Valley, snare tree huggers in their natural habitat at in lake Tahoe, go skiing, sky dive from balloons, Get a tattoo/piercing during Hot August Nights, visit a brewery and then try to hold down this local swill or get married at one of the automat styled wedding chapels. Also if the marriage doesn't work out you can get divorced really fast in Reno.
This city is populated by robots.
What to do: You can date a robot, dance with a robot, be a robot, wash a robot, ride a robot or even marry a robot. Robot prostitution is, however, restricted to robot brothels in smaller communities outside the city limits.
This is the state capitol.
This town is home to 2 zoos the San Diego plant and animal zoo and the San Diego human zoo. It was founded in 1688 by Carmen Sandiego. It also has two Navy bases, great surf and hot beaches, strip clubs and exotic shirts.
Also known as Frisco, this city is designed and sponsored by Disney. Disney rebuilt the city from a tourist’s point of view.
What to do: you can see the coin tower, the bird-man of Alcatraz, the Golden Gate bridge, the full house, palace of fine noodle art, Transamerica Pyramid, the rice-a-roni trolley, Chinatown, Knob Hill, Golden Nugget Park, Embaracardo, Lombard street, Fisherman's Wharf, St. Johns University, world of poker, the gay and pawn shop district, the gay pornshop district, the 49r's, the 69r's, Abraham Lincoln golf course and jello mansion. But don't expect too much : for 98% of the summer, fall, winter and spring (and in June, too), you'll only be able to see, well...fog. (no, not fags. Fog)
It is the only holy city of Shia Islam on the continent of North America. Its city council is exclusively composed of mullahs who enforce a strict interpretation of Sharia. Non-Muslims are no longer allowed to live there, but many have continued living as homeless in the streets. Its mayor Muqtada al-Sadr has been known to be tough on dhimmi and infidels crossing over the border from nearby Venice, Brentwood, and Pacific Palisades. However, its mosques are open to non-believers for a hefty fee, although females are forced to wear hijab and burqas.
Like all Navy bases, it provides a wide variety of night life. In addition to the Tijuana Air Show with its daring, unmarked aircraft, there are soccer games and first-run theater productions, many featuring live mules.
Tijuana is also a shopping mecca, known throughout the region for its prime values on sweatshirts and socks. And the chicle. Don't forget about the chicle.
Yosemite Sam National Park
This National Park was created many years ago by burning Ancient Chariot wheel flaps with the Looney Tunes character on it. From a helicopter it looks like a cowboy saying stand back. It also has the best tequila in the state at Moe's old saloon. Home to Bugs Bunny falls.