UnBooks:Travel guide to California

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California is a small penis shaped planet right next to the planet of Viagra. It used to be a state in the USA but when the Gay Wars happened in 2015 the San Fransicoins took it and moved it far away and reshaped it into the their favorite toy, the dildo. California's moon is in the shape of an ass in remembrance of the founding fathers' favorite pasttime.

This article incorporates text from the 1768 Encyclopædia Britannica, which is strictly copyrighted if you truly and sincerely respect the author's copyrights.
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Calimap

California: It is uncertain whether it be a peninsula or an island.

There are many things to do like surf, play chess, ice skating, dancing and seeing movies.

Alegra's Castle

This Castle is run by eleven mad scientists, Alegra,Dr.Wierd,Dr.Hibbert Geppetto, Doctor What, Dr. Nick, Professor Utonium, Professor Uranium, Dr. Claw, Dr. Jeckyl and Dr. Frankenstein.

It is also run by Dracula, Blacula,Freddy Kruger, Whitula, Greenula, Igor, Darth Vader, Oliver Cromwell, Ursula, Hockey Wolf, The two Redulas, Bluelula, Pirate Pete, Raymundo, and Purplebeard.

Background

A blue state

Bakersfield

Baker capital of the world. Where the movie Attack of the Bakers was filmed. Also an early headquarters of the medical marijuanna movement. Slogan: "Get Baked!"

catalina island is an awesome vacation place in california. it has great fishing, snorkling and kayak trips. there is also a new feature called walk under water; in which you wear a helmet that allows you to walk underwater. if you want to come to catalina therte is many hotels, resteraunts, shops, and you can get a fast boat ride for cheap on the catalina express. so come check out catalina island.

Channel Islands

The Islands where seals play poker.

Death Valley

Where many humans are brought from California and Nevada to die.

Derikvile supermarket

Hey, thats just a store! Nothing there but food.

Encino

Scenic city near Burbank. Has fifteen five-star resorts, championship golf, the Ensino Lakers,the House of Usher,the Ensino Circus, the Roman toy store and Aztec ruins. It is a fabulous city with movie star mansions, restaraunts, shopping,convinience stores and weed.

Fresno

This is where the Mona Lisa was painted and is home to air Fresno. It is now the home of George Lucas. In the early 1900's it had a famous baseball Team called the "Fresno Raisin Eaters" The main attraction of Fresno is that it is about halfway to both San Francisco and Los Angeles and the fact that it has no Yogurt since there is no culture in the San Joaquin Valley. The Armenians used to be a major part of the population but the Mexicans ate them all.

Gold Country

In 1848 many people rushed to California's "Gold Country", including Calaveras and Amador counties as well as other two bit mud hut places you've never heard of. They came to frontier the land and to claim stakes in the gold mines and get rich. However, they were all eaten by a Grue. No one lives there now.

Key Lime

A city with alot of Rolls Royces and mansions. its full of lime green mansions and key lime pie was first made here.

Long and Short Beach

These cities are famous for their beaches, ‘nuf said.

Los Angeles

This city, set on a scenic island in the Pacific Ocean, is known for Hollywierd where movies are made. If you don’t know where you are see the sign. It is also home to giant records, huge doughnuts, big gum and a shark also is home to the infamous hotel chandler which often sells guns to its guests.

What to do: I think avoid the hotel, pet the sharks or watch a movie being made.

Famous people William Shakespeare, Logan St. Claire, MC Hammer, Harrison Ford, Al Gore, Jesus, Ernest Hemingway, Andrew Jackson, King Tut, King Toots, Moe Syslak, Cap'n Crunch, Tony the Tiger, Snap, Crackle, Pop, Count Chocula, Toucan Sam, Lucky the Lepricauhn, Charles Darwin, Leo Tolstoy, Louis XIV, Harry S. Truman, Ryan Styles Harry S. Falsman, Captain Hook and Mary Poppins

Malibu

This is home to a famous nude beach.

Monteray Jack and Carmel

The Food cities.

Napa

Napa is where San Francisco gets its wine. The city usually gets drunk every 7 days. It also hosts Movie and Shakespeare conventions every Sunday. It also hosts good balloon races.

Oakland

Oakland is a lush forest.

It is also known as being the statistically safest place in the world, with the world's lowest crime rate.

Oregon

Technically not part of California, but Californians are not aware of this fact.

Palm Springs

Minigolf capitol of America. Has lots of palms, lots of springs. Come for the sugar; leave for the lack of irrigation.This is where circus stars go on vacation. It has 500 malls.

Playboyland

Adult oriented theme park with rides like its a small world, space mountain, matterhorn, quake, mad hatters erotic tea party, pantsless pirates of the cairless-bean, flash mountain, haunted strip club, Castle Wolfenstein and the rabbits’ house. Watch fireworks at the castle on Nude Street USA.

Reading, Riting, and Rthmatic

Has many books. Is now on Fire.

Reno

Actually in Nevada but who cares. Sitting below a scenic hill not too far from Lake Tahoe, this city is known for its beaver bashing festival, water-skiing over the rocks in the too shallow Truckee River, cookee cutter malls, car and refrigerator museums. This city also once had casinos mostly run by slimey itallians or other old time gang Gangsters but imploded on itself as soon as the Indians "cut them off at the pass" by building their own casinos just across the state line in California. The casinos now serve as convention sites for groups like the 7th day Advantists and other child molester friendly groups. Reno had gay people but they all moved to San Diego. It is now the worlds capitol for bad modern art. It also has great ski resorts and most of its fabulous architecture has been imploded to make room for more Krispy Kreme and Walmart outlets. There is a semi secret organization of terrorist anarchists in the city using the pseudonym "Sheep Dippers" that threatens the very fiber of civilization. The hold recruiting extraveganzas in Sparks Nevada every January to add to their strength. THEY MUST BE SOUGHT OUT AND DESTROYED!!!! To Counter this threat the E Clampums Vitus Vigilantees have promised to attack the Sheepdipper headquarters as soon as the Clampers sober up.

What to do: Fill up on gasoline before visiting Virginia City, eat a Super Burrito, watch airplanes almost crash when landing at the Cannon airport. Shoot meadowlarks in Pyramid Valley, snare tree huggers in their natural habitat at in lake Tahoe, go skiing, sky dive from balloons, Get a tattoo/piercing during Hot August Nights, visit a brewery and then try to hold down this local swill or get married at one of the automat styled wedding chapels. Also if the marriage doesn't work out you can get divorced really fast in Reno.

Robotopia

Robo Sapien and his homies

Robo sapien

This city is populated by robots.

What to do: You can date a robot, dance with a robot, be a robot, wash a robot, ride a robot or even marry a robot.

Sacramento

This is the state capitol.

Things to do include ice sculpting, car racing, fishing, sewing, visiting its hot nightclubs and eating at its restaurants.

Sand Ego

Strip club

San Diego's numerous strip clubs

This town is home to 2 zoos the San Diego plant and animal zoo and the San Diego human zoo. It was founded in 1688 by Carmen Sandiego. It also has two Navy bases, great surf and hot beaches, strip clubs and exotic shirts.

San Francisco

San francisco at day

San Francisco

Palace of fine arts

new palace of fine arts

This city is designed and sponsored by Disney. Disney rebuilt the city from a tourist’s point of view.

What to do: you can see the coin tower, the bird-man of Alcatraz, the Golden Gate bridge, the full house, palace of fine noodle art, Transamerica Pyramid, the rice-a-roni trolley, Chinatown, Knob Hill, Golden Nugget Park, Embaracardo, Lombard street, Fisherman's Wharf, St. Johns University, world of poker, the gay and pawn shop district, the 49r's, Abraham Lincoln golf course and jello mansion. But don't expect too much : for 98% of the summer, fall, winter and spring (and in June, too), you'll only be able to see, well...fog. (no, not fags. Fog)

San Jose

This city is now split into 2 and has too many computer factories. Before computers its main industry was drugs.

Santa Monica

Santa Clause's home away from the North Pole and Mecca It has his tropical jetski, workshop and Santa's house, now restricted only to Muslims.

It is the only holy city of Shia Islam on the continent of North America. Its city council is exclusively composed of mullahs who enforce a strict interpretation of Sharia. Non-Muslims are no longer allowed to live there, but many have continued living as homeless in the streets. Its mayor Muqtada al-Sadr has been known to be tough on dhimmi and infidels crossing over the border from nearby Venice, Brentwood, and Pacific Palisades. However, its mosques are open to non-believers for a hefty fee, although females are forced to wear hijab and burqas.

San Simmian

This is home of Hearst the Monkey's castle which has lots of bananas

Soup, Sandwich and Key Lime Islands

Islands known for food.

Tijuana

Prohibido

The suburb of San Ysidro, north of the barbed wire, Jersey barriers, and machine-gun turrets, is a family-friendly gated community often referred to as "Prohibido."

When it was part of Mexico, Tijuana was a large city near California. Now it is a U.S. Navy base.

Like all Navy bases, it provides a wide variety of night life. In addition to the Tijuana Air Show with its daring, unmarked aircraft, there are soccer games and first-run theater productions, many featuring live mules.

Tijuana is also a shopping mecca, known throughout the region for its prime values on sweatshirts and socks. And the chicle. Don't forget about the chicle.

Tri Cities

The tri cities are different: one has farms, one has flowers and one has car racing.

Upper Cal

This is Oscar Wilde's vacation home. This was once southern Oregon but was added for recreation. It has great rafting and swimming.

My house in the middle of the woods--Oscar Wilde

Yokelsvania

A once Mexican city that its current population are now yokels.

What to do : This town has none cause it's entirely populated by mexican yokels.

Yosemite Sam National Park

This National Park was created many years ago by burning Ancient Chariot wheel flaps with the Looney Tunes character on it. From a helicopter it looks like a cowboy saying stand back. It also has the best tequila in the state at Moe's old saloon. Home to Bugs Bunny falls.

Things to avoid

  • Snakes
  • Hotel California (you can check out any time you like but you can never leave)
  • Liberal Conservatives
  • Gay Conservatives
  • Robert Downy, Jr.
  • Starving Bears
  • Stockton
  • Aggressive panhandlers (for the smell if nothing else)
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