Unfortunately some are actually smart. And others are even smarter, like me for one. For those who do things that they shouldn't there is the promotion to admin. Then some of the bad ones try to escape into a Sock puppet. This book describes how sockpuppetry is punished. And it is punished severely. And what happens next isn't always nice.
Part 1: Really responsible adult
This one was grown up. He still tried to excape the block those admins gave him. He refused to endure the prison sentence like a good Uncyclopedian. See how he paid for that sin.
Chapter 1. Fear!
An orange line appeared at the top of the offender’s computer screen. Momentarily the offender gasped! He felt thoroughly fucked up. Those
horrible honourable Admins! Were they after him again?
- Were they telling him he’d been found out?
- What would that mean?
- Nomination for Sockpuppeteer of the Month
- A longer ban? Bearable.
- All his accounts banned? Unbearable!
No! It couldn’t possibly be that. If it were they wouldn’t bother to tell him. He’d find out when he next tried to edit. Nothing would look different till he clicked the edit button. Then there would, that picture. The terrible one he saw every time he logged in to see if the other account was unbanned.
He didn't like being in prison. There was the Barred Prison window. Outside those extraterrestrial animals that look like a cross between a sheep and a potato and can somehow or other walk without legs, and a blue sky as unreachable as the articles that he couldn't edit.
And there’d be a longer ban.
Chapter 2. Not quite enough courage
The offender grasped hold of all his courage with both hands. He didn't have much courage left and he needed it all. Could he bear to find out what they thought of him? He clicked onto the link. What would the new message be?
- Did they all HATE him?
- Did they call him a blot on this website?
- Did they think he was not funny but just utterly stupid?
- Were they telling him he shouldn't pretend to be someone else?
- Were they saying this pretence was worse than the original offense?
- Were they saying he hadn't learnt from the last time?
- Were they calling him an evil trespasser?
- Were they calling him a something horrid?
- Was there any way he could stop them thinking he was horrid?
Behind everything he could feel them saying, "We don't want you here. If we know who you are we won't let you edit." It was hard being here after they told him to keep away. In the end he could just bring himself to reads the message.
Someone was telling him he had written something well. Schadenfreude, "
If they’d knew what I can write good you bet the mother f***ers at the admins would never ever have bamned me. If they had known that I can write reasonably well you can be confident that those very reasonable administrators would not have banned me."
He was pleased they liked what he’d written, but not entirely. He clicked onto ”-**-“. He didn't feel any better. He tried ”-**-“ and he felt better. He still felt like a trespasser. And he felt just that bit dirty.
Chapter 3. Sadness and joy
Weeks passed and turned slowly into months. He could edit with both accounts now. Relief! That terrible page was just a bad memory. There was still a shadow over his joy. He felt guilty over the trespass. And he felt a little bit guilty over the offence that caused the ban. And just suppose they found out about that little piece of ban evasion? A longer ban? You bet they’d keep all that cool stuff he wrote during the ban! The unfair barst*ds! Bah!
He hated the deceit. He wasn’t basically immoral. That ban had been due to an honest mistake and Noobishness. He could have contacted the admins, explained, and begged to be released. No! Finding his inner sockpuppet was easier and wasn’t humiliating.
Now the problem hung over him and wouldn’t go away. And he kept on wanting to tell them. And he kept leaving hints. And some day he just might get caught. And then there'll the aftermath on both accounts.
Chapter 4 Aftermath
There’s something frightening, terrifying about being
bollocked Blocked. It stays on your block log forever. You think it’s over. You edit. People start to respect you. You stop worrying. You get careless. An admin sees you’ve been just that bit well we'd better not say what. The monster admin wonders if you deserve a ban or not. That admin takes a peek into your block log. The admin sees you’ve been done once already. You’ve got a longer block. AAAAAAAAA! You will never be fully rehabilitated. Alas!
Part 2:Little kiddies
A boy under twelve and his younger sisters were mucking about with a computer. They all wanted to edit Uncyclopedia.
Chapter 1. They wrote
His sister wrote, “Theres a girl in my class and shes got a dolly and its got a bloo (blue) dress and it cries and wets itself and my bruther sais that’s silly.”
And the youngest sister wrote "X X X BOO!"
Chapter 2 Bans and evasion
Sometime later those nice kids tried to edit Uncyclopedia again. As they found out they couldn’t. They were really cross about what the horrible sysop who blocked them wrote. There was an even older brother was quite a bit over twelve and mischievous. He was also angry about what the sysop had written and he showed them both how to do ban evasion.
Edits kept turning up on different articles saying the most atrocious things. Recent change patrol got absolutely fed up of reverting stuff like, “Theres nothink rong (There’s nothing wrong) with my pens (penis).” and
”I havnt (haven’t) got a pens.” from the one girl, and
"X X X BOOO!" from the youngest.
Chapter 3 Teacher and nursie
“Why did you do it?” a teacher asked the little boy in front of her.
“Please Miss, they said my willy’s too little Miss.”
The teacher had a look. I mean she looked at Uncyclopedia, not at his willy. It was true. Someone at Uncyclopedia had said his penis is too small. And they’d said the same about his sister. They couldn’t tell she was a girl over the Internet. And fortunately the youngest couldn't read what they'd said about her.
Later still the school nurse told the boy his penis is nice the way it is. He shouldn’t take any notice of nasty people who say rude things over the Internet. The school nurse also told the girl she hasn’t got a penis and that’s quite alright because girls don’t have a penis.
Chapter 4 School Principle
Finally the school nurse told the School Principle and suggested they should do something about websites that say stuff like, “Your penis is too small.” to children. Since then Uncyclopedia has been using different block comments.
Part 3 Getting caught
More than likely, you were banned because you failed to read or understand The Beginner's Guide to Being an Uncyclopedian, How To Be Funny And Not Just Stupid, and/or Our Vanity Policy. If this is the case, or even if it's not, take some time to read these documents now.
After you've taken the time to read the above articles and you feel like you are ready to make useful contributions to Uncyclopedia, you may contact $1 or one (1) of the other administrators to discuss the block. If you are just some dumbass spammer, blanker, or vandal, it will probably give them a good laugh.
Your IP address is $3. If you have an actual user name, please include this in any queries you make, along with your ssn, a credit card number, and any bank account numbers you have.
It might be possible to plead your case over irc, if you didn't do anything really wrong, or if you can prove that you have fully educated yourself by reading the above articles. Log into the Uncyclopedia channel with the same username you use here, and start begging. Bring flowers, a positive attitude, and a cheery hello. None of those will help, but occasionally admins take pity on banees. (Often just before they get fired for being softies.)
- The Beginner's Guide to Being an Uncyclopedian
- How To Be Funny And Not Just Stupid
- Our Vanity Policy
- List of Uncyclopedia administrators
- List of blocked IP addresses
- Log of blocking activity
- ↑ Seriously. If you can't prove you know the basic rules and what we're trying to do here, you'll find the admins more than a bit chilly.
- ↑ Note that you may not use the "email this user" feature unless you have a valid email address registered in your user preferences. Also, don't email every admin unless you want the ban quadrupled (or worse).