UnBooks:The World According to Garm
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Purchased for UnBooks on 24 July 2006
“In the World According to Garm, we are all terminal cas--AAAAAAAGH!!”
I is not a pet. I keep telling Hraesvelg I, Garm, not pet, but stupid giant never listens. He just sit there and swallow corpses. Some time he try to pet me, but I don’t let him. Recently Hraesvelg told me he pet me while I asleep. Very disturbing.
Not much to do in Gnipa-cave. Stop souls from trying to escape from Hel, chase oathbreakers, yadda yadda yadda. Not even allowed to turn around. Yet.
Tried to talk to Hel about employee benefits program last week. Mistress says what do I need health insurance for? Tyr and I going to kill each other anyways. Not sure, just heard about it from Thor. Was bragging about Asgard’s benefits.
Odin dropped by yesterday. Steps on bridge guarded by Modgud, says he is ringing doorbell. Silly live god. She came running. Had a nice talk with me about Heimdall (still embarrassed about being the son of nine mothers), but as we only have goat urine to kill thirst Odin left early. Said we were bad hosts.
Looking forward to death of Baldr. Loki still running around, though haven’t seen him fooling with Angerboda. Wish he would get on with prophecy. Can’t wait for Fimbulwinter. Yeah, GRRRRRRR!!!
Hel, beneath Yggdrasil's third root
To Whom It May Concern:
The purpose of this letter is to provide a character reference for Garm. My employee for the past four thousand years, Garm has proven himself to be loyal, persistent, and fully house-trained. I have trained him to roll over, sit and eat souls. Garm responds to negative reinforcement, as there is no concept of a ‘treat’ where we are. Herding and hunting are his primary specializations. Further, Garm does not bark unnecessarily at night like so many other dogs.
I understand from Garm that he has recently become dissatisfied with his present home, Gnipa-cave, and is looking for new lodging. He is not especially good with other animals or people, but I am sure that if you can find him relatively isolated accommodation neither of you will have any difficulties. If I can answer any questions about Garm, please break an oath and drop dead—I’ll see you soon.
Hel, daughter of Loki
Summer Vacation with Kvasir
Last summer Garm and I went to Greece. This was easy because I had just been murdered by a couple of damned dwarves and so was unengaged. I felt it was important to see Greek culture, and good for Garm because, well, let's face it, he doesn't get out much. The first place we went to was the Temple of Apollo at Bassae. I told Garm to keep a lid on things, but he roared in there and gulped down six priests before I could stop him. We had a little chat after that.
I guess Apollo was a bit ticked off about Garm's behavior, because the sun went behind a cloud and didn't come out for a week. That nixed my plans to lounge at the beach. So we found a few watering holes and stuck it out that way. I remember in one, this guy came up and spun a thick cock-and-bull story about him going to Crete to kill some mix and match creature in a labyrinth. Yeah, right. I wasn't born yesterday.
Straining on the acquaintance of a friend of a friend, we invited ourselves to Mycenae. The guy was a great host, cooking us and a guest a human feast. He even left out the hands and feet, which you really can choke on if you're not careful. I told Atreus he was a helluva guy, and he told me I should have nothing to do with family if I could avoid it.
Well. Garm and I went on to the Acropolis. The Parthenon was full of money, supposedly under the protection of a gal named Athena (though she can't have been doing her job very well, since I never saw her)...and the viking in me got the upper hand. I couldn't help it. I wanted that pile of gold.
Garm was only too happy to help. Leaping into the crowd, he swallowed a cluster of bankers and lawyers in one gulp. While he was busy causing mayhem, I grabbed as much of the dough as I could carry. Some democratic troopers came out after us but it wasn't a fair fight. Garm & Kvasir: 97, Athenians: 0.
This Athena chick must have complained to her dad, because monogrammed lighting bolts courtesy of Zeus advised us that we were now definitely unwelcome in Greece. We couldn't think of anything else to do, so we went to see the Delphic Sibyl. Actually I don't understand why we did that. She's in thrall to Apollo, so when she told us our prophecy was to get lost and not come back, it made sense. Garm and I slunk out of there, and returned to Hel for some R&R.
Garm's Thoughts on Summer Vacation
Kvasir want me to walk with him through strange new land. Says good for my appreciation. I say, why appreciate? I will eat everything and destroy world anyway.
Ah. We go to heathen cult temple. I see runaway food Agghghhhhg ahhhghghghhghh ahghghghhhh...
Kvasir says I don't listen, I'm a bad demon dog, this isn't Hel and I can't chew on the furniture here. Bah. Then it became nighttime; fine with me thanks to night vision. Kvasir bumps into things in the dark ha ha ha. Maybe has something to do with that drink he is having so much of.
Went to another town, trying to be good. Did not eat man who owned house. Was given other people in reward Agghghhhhg ahhhghghghhghh ahghghghhhh...
Kvasir sees a horde of gold in another heathen cult temple. Explains to me that this one time it is okay to pretend we are at home, because they are not real people, they are dinner Agghghhhhg ahhhghghghhghh ahghghghhhh...
Lots of lightning in Greece. Saw a crazy lady who told us go home. Happy to go home. There I can run and chase and play all day, and no one gets mad at me. Hardly ever.
- 0500 : Watch the door to Hel. Death never sleeps.
- 0600 : Morning run.
- 0800 : Management meeting with Hel.
- 1000 : Chase souls.
- 1230 : Lunch with Loki.
- 1445 : Meeting with vetrinarian re new low-fat diet.
- 1600 : Afternoon run.
- 1930 : Seinfeld.
- 2000 : Watch the door some more.
- 2200 : Dessert.
- 2330 : South Park.